Practical female self-interest on display. This is a good example of what I’ve previously described as enlightened pseudo-empathy.
This is a hot tip for the ladies. Men love quests. Not all men, but most men, okay? And all the men I want in my life, they like quests. Most men hate puzzles, but they love quests.
Most men don't want you to be coy and confusing and elusive. They want you to have very clear quests that you tell them, this is exactly what I want.
I want you to do this and I will be happy when you do it.
My friend was telling me that her boyfriend offered to scrape off her car the other day. And I was like, oh, that's so nice. She's like, yeah, I told him not to, but I thought it was nice he offered. And I was like, oh, you told him not to? She's like, yeah, I didn't want to be difficult and inconvenience him. And I'm like, but didn't he happily offer to do it? And she's like, yeah, but I told him I didn't want him to.
I'm like, oh, you didn't want him to? Like, you wanted to do it yourself?
And she's like, no, I would have loved if he did it for me, but I just, I didn't want to be difficult.
And I'm like, honey, you have to remember men love quests. If you don't want them to do something because you want to do it yourself, that's totally fine. But do not squash yourself down and deny yourself for no reason. Instead, let them do the quest for you and then be super appreciative and kind and happy about it.
Now, obviously this quest assignation and appreciation model won’t work for all men. There is always the sort of man who, when he is working, will just make a frowny face even if a perfect 10 simply tries to kiss him on the cheek, so obviously he is not going to interrupt his very important activities in order to go on a meaningless quest for a woman that isn’t even going to grant him any XP or gold. As with all things intersexual, if it doesn’t take the SSH into account, the mileage is going to vary.
But it’s pretty sound advice given that all men absolutely hate the constant equivocation in which most women engage when they want something, but they don’t want to create the obligation for themselves that they think their request will naturally generate. This woman hasn’t quite figured out that men are not transactional, but she has realized that men trade in a very different currency than women.
From a transactional perspective, women are accountants and men are godfathers. Just as you will never see a group of men arguing over who had the salad and itemizing the check in order to correctly assign what everyone owes down to the penny prior to not leaving a tip, you will never see a woman grandly telling one of her friends “your money is no good here!”
Men trade in favors. I do things for you when you need them, you do things for me, and we never discuss those things in detail or keep track beyond a general sense that we will be there for each other when required. That’s why men are able to provide prospective favors in advance: the offer of the trailer, the beach house, or help moving house is often made long prior to the actual request for it.
Women, being accountants who keep close and careful track of who did what for whom, are therefore naturally loath to ask for favors, to deprecate the value of gifts and favors given to them, and to seek to avoid any future obligations to others. This is not only why they avoid asking for help, but is the root of most female ingratitude as well. After all, if you haven’t said “thank you", then obviously you didn’t receive anything of value and no obligation is created.
Most of those mind-reading expectations are generated by the female desire to ask for something without having to actually ask for it, and thereby creating plausible deniability for any sense of future obligation as a result of the request.
I didn’t say this made sense from a male perspective, and I’m sure there are many fine elements and various penumbras that are missing from this succinct summary, but that’s more or less how it plays out in the female mind. Also, I realize this sounds like it’s coming out of left field on Mars for the average married man, but what the average married man is forgetting is that it is impossible for him to do a favor for the average wife because he owes her in an imaginary, but infinite account of implicit obligations to her that will always find him in debt.
Anyhow, the quest + appreciation model is a very good one for women, and I think it would likely improve most relationships if widely adopted by them. Being given the chance to do a clearly-specified task and being rewarded for it will go over very well indeed with Bravos and Deltas. And the clarity involved in the quest specification will be welcomed by every man, as will the appreciation, regardless of how it is expressed.
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