Worst is when they weaponise some hideous happening, or event, back as fuel for some kind of shit test. You just look through them, as if, like - are you for real...? You probe for weakness NOW...? With THAT...? Is there no limit, here? How is this fun, or satisfying, or edifying, or improving anything, for anybody, in any way whatsoever?
Then it dawns - it's just for attention. That's all they want. Irritatingly, it hit the mark, even if it didn't wound. And your only recourse is to get heroically drunk, or go for a two hour shit...
It's extremely rare that a woman can celebrate or appreciate good things happening to other women, yes. My older sister and I are capable of it, she has one female friend like us and I've found two in my entire life. My sister has had a lot more friends the past few years while she's been down, it will be interesting how many stick around as her career and quality of life is on the upswing. My sister and I have a tendency to compliment women annnnnnnd-here come the rumors that we're both lesbians...Well Fuck. That is part of why we're not nice to each other though, you must be gay if you're nice to other women.
My mother is such a bad case of this, we literally have not shared good news with her for years. It sucked to have good things happen, only to be sad because we couldn't share it with out mother.
But seriously as with all rules there are exceptions to the rule. However I operate with the understanding that a woman will not celebrate my wins until a woman proves she has an alternative perspective and like I said, only two have proved it to me so far. I always felt disappointed and confused why women tear each other down so much, but this is how the vast majority of us are. The way I see it, I want to have a great life where good things happen, so being overtly happy for others who get the good things in life is "good karma" so to speak.
Got an aunt like that. My mother, though she would never ever say so, came to hate her for it. My mother lost a good deal of weight, was being congradulated by the family, and the (relatively rich)aunt recommended getting a nutritionist consultation.
Yes. In my teenage years and through my twenties all of the female friends I had were like this. They had absolutely nothing to say if good things came my way, be it a raise or promotion. I had some friends actively say things like "oh, I just hate you" whenever I would have something positive happen in my life.
Now, it rarely if ever happens. Now that I am in my late forties the friends I keep are better, more mature, higher quality individuals. We are support and cheerleaders alike. That most certainly does not mean they aren't thinking about it, but if nothing else they're smart or wise enough to keep their mouth shut.
I suspect a fair bit of this changes as we mature and develop a healthy sense of self-worth.
Great post, and great warning to women and especially to men, not to expect or rely on female support for our endeavors.
I think there could be one other productive takeaway too, for women able to act on it. It's like Vox's previous post on the Female Superpower to win men over with a few compliments. There's a chance for women to really stand out from their peers by being more selfless and generous in celebrating other people's good fortune. Maybe you can't help feeling threatened or envious of your friend's good news, but you can try to cultivate the habit of congratulating them anyway. This will make you stand out as a better friend, more supportive, and more confident than other women. Not only will this make your friends feel good, it will give you a valuable advantage in life. It might not be easy to do, but it would be easy to stand out by doing it.
Vox's female correspondent says "I think such behavior is fueled by jealousy and insecurity, toxic emotions that bolt lips together and render the simplest ‘well done’, impossible to say." That sounds right, and it also sounds like an opportunity. Because no matter how you feel, a simple 'well done' ISN'T impossible to say. Actually speaking or writing those words takes no effort at all. The hard part is setting aside your feelings, but you only have to set them aside for 10 seconds.
I get a lot of support from very many lovely women in my life, but those in my immediate family have always been very self-centered, distant, and aloof. The ability of a woman to be supportive does also depend on circumstances, personalities, and general mental health, so men should see unsupportive and unresponsive women as a bad sign.
Don't let your sex drive send you on an endless chase for a woman who pays you no mind.
It hard to celebrate wins that set people apart from you. So if your best friend had a serious glow up you might feel she's out of your league and is going to leave for the hotter girls group. Or you'll be the"ugly chick" when y'all are out. You might even want to be glad for her, but it's hard to celebrate things that threaten the group.
But being a rescuer is easy. You don't even have to like someone to take them a meal or for them to reciprocate. Everyone plugging the holes makes the group itself stronger while also reinforcing that the members of the group are valuable and able to contribute to the well being of the community.
So, yeah, I think women naturally celebrate and participate in things that lift the group as a whole or lifts members of the group up towards the average. Individuals who advance too far from the average threaten group cohesion and, even if no one pulls a crab bucket on them, is almost more a cause for mourning than celebrating because soon you might no longer be "one of them." It might be better for you, but it might hurt the group.
Solipsism in the form of "You'll be the ugly chick" sounds much more convincing than "the group being threatened". It is not my experience that women care about any kind of group they belong to but rather how a changed group dynamic will impact their sense of self.
If someone leaves a group for greater success, it is a cause for celebration and does not mean that I'll be snubbed by the glower upper, to use your words. I am friends with men who are much more successful than me in all aspects and this has never threatened the closeness of our friendship.
"It is not my experience that women care about any kind of group they belong to but rather how a changed group dynamic will impact their sense of self."
It doesn't actually matter how much they care. It's their nature to act like this, and their actions have these effects, which is why whenever you put women together, they form their cliques and a female hivemind.
This can be for good or bad. Knowing what's good about it is helpful for both men and women wondering why it is women do what they do, and how to deal with it.
If women are herd creatures (which, for better or worse, it has been established that we are) then we have to care about the group even if we don't think we really care. It's one of those gut level things. Very few woman want to go it alone. It's simply too risky.
As for the woman who glows up vs the man who wildly succeeds - the hierarchies don't work like that. If your high school buddy becomes wildly successful and invites his old friends to go hunting then there are already natural hierarchies in place and that (AFAIK) give everyone their "space."
Women are way more concerned with equality and making sure everyone gets a piece of the pie, and one person having way more resources than everyone else in the group throws off that dynamic. You might be glad for her, but it might be time for her to find another group (and that's kind of sad). It's hard to explain honestly because it's different depending on the group and what that group's purpose is.
This is very interesting, because this is not at all how I think as a man.
While I am sometimes jealous of my friends, and sometimes I fail to be Happy for them out of this failing, it's never really hard for me to appreciate their success
This is why the church is so incredibly important socially because it gives women a context for celebrating each other's wins and lifting each other up while also finding their feet. Not everyone is going to the queen or close to the queen, but in a functioning church everyone can be seen, valued, and encouraged.
I noticed the complete lack of support when I had problems which made women close to me incredibly anxious. When their assistance during anxiety was so solipsistic and against everything that I asked of them, I started to mock them by telling them how much I respect Miss Bennet's poor stool sample. No, I'm not going to respect anything minor of yours, when I and the severity of my problem is the subject. You will listen and comply or I will be silent to anyone who does talk to you.
And then there were women whose boyfriends I have helped, and in turn, their non-anxious girlfriends started to pay attention to how they could assist me, as my improved health and mood enabled me to keep a better eye on their boyfriends.
A few months ago in a Darkstream, Vox told of his experience on a running team and how the coach had learned to use different forms of encouragement for the boys than the girls. Presumably, there are female sports coaches. I wonder how female coaches encourage their charges.
I had women piano teachers when I was a lad. They were reserved in their praise but gave it spontaneously when due.
As Sir Hamster pointed out, character plays a role. And presumably self-awareness is part of character: A coach who is self-aware will be more effective at suppressing/avoiding the more egregious aspects of his SSH or personal likes/dislikes.
If you watch a female ballet class the first thing you notice is how snippy or mean the teacher has to be with the students. It's the only way to tamp down the emotionalism I think.
I agree with this. I have a buddy who coaches basketball at the local Dad's Club. He has used the SSH to alter the way he coaches the boys, too. You should see the difference it makes in the gamma males, quite noticeably better performance from them over time once they "get it" and it's equipping them to possibly elevate themselves to delta. Sadly some will never ever get it, but that's gammas for ya. Some boys respond to verbal praise. Some respond to the opposite, and get better the more he bashes or hazes them. And the bravos get so pissed off when people try to skirt the hierarchy or they don't adhere to setting picks, etc. Just sitting in on the sidelines on a practice is an educational experience. He has Vox to thank for a lot of that. Coach is a solid bravo but at times a situational alpha.
Probably many gammas could have used more advice on good technique in sport when young and thus to have experienced incremental improvement with fewer talents in the area than the high performers. It's much easier to find information about techniques these days in many sports and fields of work on the tube and insta, further identifying these platforms as both the worst things and best things ever.
Several of the ladies have commented on this phenomenon so I wonder, specifically aimed at the ladies, do you cheer on the successes or efforts of others in your social circles? Could you provide examples for us?
I do try to provide encouragement to my friends. One is trying to lose weight. It would be beneficial for her mentally, emotionally, physically, and with her relationship with her spouse and her ability to parent. I'm not always sure how I can help or support her, but I try. When she reports back about successfully losing X pounds, or building a habit of eating healthier, I want to encourage, reward, and support that.
Another friend is working on her degree so she can work a bit here and there as needed for her household.I offer to study with her and ask how her classes are going and try to be sure to say "good job" when she passes or gets a good grade.
There's an undeniable aspect of female groups that we all reflect on each other. I want my friends to do well for themselves in their own right, but also because it will reflect well on the rest of us and raise the 'group average' so to speak. This applies in any regard, not just weight or looks. It's not threatening to me, admittedly because I'm used to being the highest status of the group and work to maintain that, but I can see how someone who is lower status in the group would worry about being left behind.
Yep. I make a conscious effort to do so. For example, my friend got engaged and is looking at buying a house. I congratulated her on both. I also tell her that her cooking is good at church when I eat it. Or when the Sunday school kids did a nice job at Serb Fest, I told the teachers they did great. When my boyfriend said he didn't sound his best at a church choir performance, I told him the group probably sounded fine since it usually does. I also told my friend that her baby looked cute and happy throughout a week long stay at her place.
I did see a video by a monk in Australia saying that too much praise is bad for the soul, though, so knowing when and what to praise may require more discernment than I have at times, but I pray about it and have been reading Orthodox books on psychology. St. John Chrysostom recommended praising women to keep their approval seeking limited to their husband's approval.
Great stuff, thank you and good for you. Being a positive influence can be very important especially to what I presume is a young lady? Sounds like there is a very strong sense of community in your church too which is very helpful. Sounds to me like your boyfriend needs to recognise and seize his opportunity. God bless you.
Hi Nemesis, as a quick example I'm in a bowling league, mixed gender, adults of every age. There are a couple of cranky broads there, but for the most part the women go out of their way to cheer and high five for each other's successes and commiserate over bad frames. On the one hand, yes they're keeping score (often literally, I think most of the teams have a women who handles the paperwork), but on the other they also really just want to have a good time and their cheers for a strike, especially for anyone who isn't a great player, are warm and genuine.
Same has been true for baseball moms, friends we met through Bible study, immediate family (for the most part), and friends made in various stages of adulthood and at all ages. I'm approaching 50 and we've lived all over the country, so I've had to become adept at getting comfortable with new people. I have to really concentrate to remember which of the women I know have been envious or spiteful of the success of others. There are a few, maybe even as many as I could count on two hands, but the supportive ones far outnumber the envious, and anyone who smacks of that kind of trouble I tend to avoid like the plague. Pretty sure it's mutual, so perhaps my perspective is skewed, though.
Thanks Julie, very helpful. I wonder if you've encountered the phenomenon of women uncomfortable with being cheered on in their wins outside of this? By that I mean when something beneficial happens to them say, in a family setting, like they or hubby get a better job/promotion or the kids do well at something. I'm curious to find out if that's a thing or if it's just when it comes from a man.
It all depends, there are definitely people who do this. Some just genuinely feel put on the spot when given a compliment, either because they hate being noticed or because they don't feel worthy of the praise. Some do it intentionally, because it makes them look humble,
For some people it's with everyone. I have to fight the urge to cringe when complimented by anyone because I don't like being the center of attention, and I feel really about it because I know I should reciprocate more when people give me compliments and look appreciative (because, logically, even if not immediately emotionally so, I AM appreciative because I understand that 1. Compliments don't happen all the time and 2. They are genuine and 3. They mean I am part of a group.)
I still feel that way internally, but at some point realized the gracious thing to do is simply say "Thank you" and accept the compliment gracefully. I may not feel worthy of praise, but obviously sometimes people see something worth praising. It's like receiving an unexpected gift, it means as much to the giver as to the recipient. Unless it's a creeper giving the praise, to respond other than with gratitude is a bit like handing back the gift.
Thank you. Definitely something to work on if you can as it sounds like you have a good support network. However against the grain it may be for you, try to accept that you deserve the compliment. and remember that you are the centre of God's attention all of the time, so why worry about everyone else? Your input is very much appreciated.
As a woman myself… women are the worst
It's all so exhausting, though...
Worst is when they weaponise some hideous happening, or event, back as fuel for some kind of shit test. You just look through them, as if, like - are you for real...? You probe for weakness NOW...? With THAT...? Is there no limit, here? How is this fun, or satisfying, or edifying, or improving anything, for anybody, in any way whatsoever?
Then it dawns - it's just for attention. That's all they want. Irritatingly, it hit the mark, even if it didn't wound. And your only recourse is to get heroically drunk, or go for a two hour shit...
It's extremely rare that a woman can celebrate or appreciate good things happening to other women, yes. My older sister and I are capable of it, she has one female friend like us and I've found two in my entire life. My sister has had a lot more friends the past few years while she's been down, it will be interesting how many stick around as her career and quality of life is on the upswing. My sister and I have a tendency to compliment women annnnnnnd-here come the rumors that we're both lesbians...Well Fuck. That is part of why we're not nice to each other though, you must be gay if you're nice to other women.
My mother is such a bad case of this, we literally have not shared good news with her for years. It sucked to have good things happen, only to be sad because we couldn't share it with out mother.
But seriously as with all rules there are exceptions to the rule. However I operate with the understanding that a woman will not celebrate my wins until a woman proves she has an alternative perspective and like I said, only two have proved it to me so far. I always felt disappointed and confused why women tear each other down so much, but this is how the vast majority of us are. The way I see it, I want to have a great life where good things happen, so being overtly happy for others who get the good things in life is "good karma" so to speak.
Many tear down the men in their lives as well.
Yup, my mother has that trait as well. Not so much to his face, more undermining him and destroying his reputation through her own unhinged behavior.
Got an aunt like that. My mother, though she would never ever say so, came to hate her for it. My mother lost a good deal of weight, was being congradulated by the family, and the (relatively rich)aunt recommended getting a nutritionist consultation.
Some woman simply don't positive.
“As always, we’re unconcerned about the hows and whys, and focused entirely on the whats”
Guess I should have lurked more… oh well
Yes. In my teenage years and through my twenties all of the female friends I had were like this. They had absolutely nothing to say if good things came my way, be it a raise or promotion. I had some friends actively say things like "oh, I just hate you" whenever I would have something positive happen in my life.
Now, it rarely if ever happens. Now that I am in my late forties the friends I keep are better, more mature, higher quality individuals. We are support and cheerleaders alike. That most certainly does not mean they aren't thinking about it, but if nothing else they're smart or wise enough to keep their mouth shut.
I suspect a fair bit of this changes as we mature and develop a healthy sense of self-worth.
This is my experience as well. We don’t see it because we have weeded out the less valuable women. But those women are still there.
Great post, and great warning to women and especially to men, not to expect or rely on female support for our endeavors.
I think there could be one other productive takeaway too, for women able to act on it. It's like Vox's previous post on the Female Superpower to win men over with a few compliments. There's a chance for women to really stand out from their peers by being more selfless and generous in celebrating other people's good fortune. Maybe you can't help feeling threatened or envious of your friend's good news, but you can try to cultivate the habit of congratulating them anyway. This will make you stand out as a better friend, more supportive, and more confident than other women. Not only will this make your friends feel good, it will give you a valuable advantage in life. It might not be easy to do, but it would be easy to stand out by doing it.
Vox's female correspondent says "I think such behavior is fueled by jealousy and insecurity, toxic emotions that bolt lips together and render the simplest ‘well done’, impossible to say." That sounds right, and it also sounds like an opportunity. Because no matter how you feel, a simple 'well done' ISN'T impossible to say. Actually speaking or writing those words takes no effort at all. The hard part is setting aside your feelings, but you only have to set them aside for 10 seconds.
I get a lot of support from very many lovely women in my life, but those in my immediate family have always been very self-centered, distant, and aloof. The ability of a woman to be supportive does also depend on circumstances, personalities, and general mental health, so men should see unsupportive and unresponsive women as a bad sign.
Don't let your sex drive send you on an endless chase for a woman who pays you no mind.
Look to God first. Then your battle brothers. But don't expect women to do so generally speaking.
This is advice that I could have used in the past. It would have saved me a lot of trouble. Very useful information being provided. Thanks again Vox.
Hi Vox - I have been re-watching The Big Bang Theory and just came across the scene you were referencing, when Stuart walks off with Penny.
It is the very end of Season 7 episode 11. He wears a three-piece suit but no top hat.
It hard to celebrate wins that set people apart from you. So if your best friend had a serious glow up you might feel she's out of your league and is going to leave for the hotter girls group. Or you'll be the"ugly chick" when y'all are out. You might even want to be glad for her, but it's hard to celebrate things that threaten the group.
But being a rescuer is easy. You don't even have to like someone to take them a meal or for them to reciprocate. Everyone plugging the holes makes the group itself stronger while also reinforcing that the members of the group are valuable and able to contribute to the well being of the community.
So, yeah, I think women naturally celebrate and participate in things that lift the group as a whole or lifts members of the group up towards the average. Individuals who advance too far from the average threaten group cohesion and, even if no one pulls a crab bucket on them, is almost more a cause for mourning than celebrating because soon you might no longer be "one of them." It might be better for you, but it might hurt the group.
Solipsism in the form of "You'll be the ugly chick" sounds much more convincing than "the group being threatened". It is not my experience that women care about any kind of group they belong to but rather how a changed group dynamic will impact their sense of self.
If someone leaves a group for greater success, it is a cause for celebration and does not mean that I'll be snubbed by the glower upper, to use your words. I am friends with men who are much more successful than me in all aspects and this has never threatened the closeness of our friendship.
"It is not my experience that women care about any kind of group they belong to but rather how a changed group dynamic will impact their sense of self."
It doesn't actually matter how much they care. It's their nature to act like this, and their actions have these effects, which is why whenever you put women together, they form their cliques and a female hivemind.
This can be for good or bad. Knowing what's good about it is helpful for both men and women wondering why it is women do what they do, and how to deal with it.
If women are herd creatures (which, for better or worse, it has been established that we are) then we have to care about the group even if we don't think we really care. It's one of those gut level things. Very few woman want to go it alone. It's simply too risky.
As for the woman who glows up vs the man who wildly succeeds - the hierarchies don't work like that. If your high school buddy becomes wildly successful and invites his old friends to go hunting then there are already natural hierarchies in place and that (AFAIK) give everyone their "space."
Women are way more concerned with equality and making sure everyone gets a piece of the pie, and one person having way more resources than everyone else in the group throws off that dynamic. You might be glad for her, but it might be time for her to find another group (and that's kind of sad). It's hard to explain honestly because it's different depending on the group and what that group's purpose is.
This is very interesting, because this is not at all how I think as a man.
While I am sometimes jealous of my friends, and sometimes I fail to be Happy for them out of this failing, it's never really hard for me to appreciate their success
This is why the church is so incredibly important socially because it gives women a context for celebrating each other's wins and lifting each other up while also finding their feet. Not everyone is going to the queen or close to the queen, but in a functioning church everyone can be seen, valued, and encouraged.
I noticed the complete lack of support when I had problems which made women close to me incredibly anxious. When their assistance during anxiety was so solipsistic and against everything that I asked of them, I started to mock them by telling them how much I respect Miss Bennet's poor stool sample. No, I'm not going to respect anything minor of yours, when I and the severity of my problem is the subject. You will listen and comply or I will be silent to anyone who does talk to you.
And then there were women whose boyfriends I have helped, and in turn, their non-anxious girlfriends started to pay attention to how they could assist me, as my improved health and mood enabled me to keep a better eye on their boyfriends.
A few months ago in a Darkstream, Vox told of his experience on a running team and how the coach had learned to use different forms of encouragement for the boys than the girls. Presumably, there are female sports coaches. I wonder how female coaches encourage their charges.
I had women piano teachers when I was a lad. They were reserved in their praise but gave it spontaneously when due.
As Sir Hamster pointed out, character plays a role. And presumably self-awareness is part of character: A coach who is self-aware will be more effective at suppressing/avoiding the more egregious aspects of his SSH or personal likes/dislikes.
If you watch a female ballet class the first thing you notice is how snippy or mean the teacher has to be with the students. It's the only way to tamp down the emotionalism I think.
I agree with this. I have a buddy who coaches basketball at the local Dad's Club. He has used the SSH to alter the way he coaches the boys, too. You should see the difference it makes in the gamma males, quite noticeably better performance from them over time once they "get it" and it's equipping them to possibly elevate themselves to delta. Sadly some will never ever get it, but that's gammas for ya. Some boys respond to verbal praise. Some respond to the opposite, and get better the more he bashes or hazes them. And the bravos get so pissed off when people try to skirt the hierarchy or they don't adhere to setting picks, etc. Just sitting in on the sidelines on a practice is an educational experience. He has Vox to thank for a lot of that. Coach is a solid bravo but at times a situational alpha.
Probably many gammas could have used more advice on good technique in sport when young and thus to have experienced incremental improvement with fewer talents in the area than the high performers. It's much easier to find information about techniques these days in many sports and fields of work on the tube and insta, further identifying these platforms as both the worst things and best things ever.
If she keeps you well fed and reasonably presentable outside, she's doing a substantial part of her job.
Several of the ladies have commented on this phenomenon so I wonder, specifically aimed at the ladies, do you cheer on the successes or efforts of others in your social circles? Could you provide examples for us?
A day late, but I'll bite.
I do try to provide encouragement to my friends. One is trying to lose weight. It would be beneficial for her mentally, emotionally, physically, and with her relationship with her spouse and her ability to parent. I'm not always sure how I can help or support her, but I try. When she reports back about successfully losing X pounds, or building a habit of eating healthier, I want to encourage, reward, and support that.
Another friend is working on her degree so she can work a bit here and there as needed for her household.I offer to study with her and ask how her classes are going and try to be sure to say "good job" when she passes or gets a good grade.
There's an undeniable aspect of female groups that we all reflect on each other. I want my friends to do well for themselves in their own right, but also because it will reflect well on the rest of us and raise the 'group average' so to speak. This applies in any regard, not just weight or looks. It's not threatening to me, admittedly because I'm used to being the highest status of the group and work to maintain that, but I can see how someone who is lower status in the group would worry about being left behind.
Thank you, that's very helpful indeed.
Yep. I make a conscious effort to do so. For example, my friend got engaged and is looking at buying a house. I congratulated her on both. I also tell her that her cooking is good at church when I eat it. Or when the Sunday school kids did a nice job at Serb Fest, I told the teachers they did great. When my boyfriend said he didn't sound his best at a church choir performance, I told him the group probably sounded fine since it usually does. I also told my friend that her baby looked cute and happy throughout a week long stay at her place.
I did see a video by a monk in Australia saying that too much praise is bad for the soul, though, so knowing when and what to praise may require more discernment than I have at times, but I pray about it and have been reading Orthodox books on psychology. St. John Chrysostom recommended praising women to keep their approval seeking limited to their husband's approval.
Great stuff, thank you and good for you. Being a positive influence can be very important especially to what I presume is a young lady? Sounds like there is a very strong sense of community in your church too which is very helpful. Sounds to me like your boyfriend needs to recognise and seize his opportunity. God bless you.
Thanks!
Yes, I guess 23 still counts as young.
And, yes, the Orthodox churches in the US are pretty close-knit.
Hahaha. I have only known him less than a week. It might be a little soon for him to propose, but hopefully in a few months or a year 😉
God bless you, too.
Hi Nemesis, as a quick example I'm in a bowling league, mixed gender, adults of every age. There are a couple of cranky broads there, but for the most part the women go out of their way to cheer and high five for each other's successes and commiserate over bad frames. On the one hand, yes they're keeping score (often literally, I think most of the teams have a women who handles the paperwork), but on the other they also really just want to have a good time and their cheers for a strike, especially for anyone who isn't a great player, are warm and genuine.
Same has been true for baseball moms, friends we met through Bible study, immediate family (for the most part), and friends made in various stages of adulthood and at all ages. I'm approaching 50 and we've lived all over the country, so I've had to become adept at getting comfortable with new people. I have to really concentrate to remember which of the women I know have been envious or spiteful of the success of others. There are a few, maybe even as many as I could count on two hands, but the supportive ones far outnumber the envious, and anyone who smacks of that kind of trouble I tend to avoid like the plague. Pretty sure it's mutual, so perhaps my perspective is skewed, though.
Thanks Julie, very helpful. I wonder if you've encountered the phenomenon of women uncomfortable with being cheered on in their wins outside of this? By that I mean when something beneficial happens to them say, in a family setting, like they or hubby get a better job/promotion or the kids do well at something. I'm curious to find out if that's a thing or if it's just when it comes from a man.
It all depends, there are definitely people who do this. Some just genuinely feel put on the spot when given a compliment, either because they hate being noticed or because they don't feel worthy of the praise. Some do it intentionally, because it makes them look humble,
For some people it's with everyone. I have to fight the urge to cringe when complimented by anyone because I don't like being the center of attention, and I feel really about it because I know I should reciprocate more when people give me compliments and look appreciative (because, logically, even if not immediately emotionally so, I AM appreciative because I understand that 1. Compliments don't happen all the time and 2. They are genuine and 3. They mean I am part of a group.)
I still feel that way internally, but at some point realized the gracious thing to do is simply say "Thank you" and accept the compliment gracefully. I may not feel worthy of praise, but obviously sometimes people see something worth praising. It's like receiving an unexpected gift, it means as much to the giver as to the recipient. Unless it's a creeper giving the praise, to respond other than with gratitude is a bit like handing back the gift.
Thank you. You are right.
Thank you. Definitely something to work on if you can as it sounds like you have a good support network. However against the grain it may be for you, try to accept that you deserve the compliment. and remember that you are the centre of God's attention all of the time, so why worry about everyone else? Your input is very much appreciated.
Thank you.