You're Never #1

Taking Exception to a Common Theme

A subscriber commented on the Yo-Yo Effect and I thought it merited a more general audience and substantive discussion, especially given the nature of my perspective, which some men might find controversial.

Had one yo-yo experience while in the dating market.

Met for dinner, I thought it went well so asked when we could get together again.

“I got a call from my ex and want to try again with him.” she said. I didn’t get angry, wished her luck.

About a month later she called saying things didn’t work out and asked whether I was interested in another date? Thanked her for the call and let her know that I wasn’t interested in being someone’s second choice.

First, this isn’t really what we’re talking about with regards to the Yo-Yo Effect. That’s something that happens over a period of time, when the attraction only goes one way and the man can’t even get a date. What’s being described here is simply a woman prioritizing one of two options that are of interest to her, and being honest about doing so. That’s not the same thing.

Second, and more importantly, a man really has to abandon the idea that he is ever likely to be any woman’s first choice. It can happen, and I have witnessed it happening, but it is very rare. Not only are you unlikely to be a woman’s first choice, the odds are very, very high that you’re not even in her ideal top 40. Unless you happen to marry a young woman who was first infatuated with you when she was 12, there will usually be some other man whom she would have preferred to you if she could have attracted him or been able to hold his interest.

Relationships are all about reality. And reality concerns that which is real, not that which makes you feel good about yourself or that which you wish was real.

Now, I understand that the PUA school will beat its chest, attempt to contextualize the matter as being one of self-respect, and declare that no woman is ever capable of respecting or being attracted to any man who doesn’t maintain frame and respect himself enough to demand to be the one and only man to whom she has ever thought. But this not true, it is the unrealistic male equivalent of the female “he should be attracted to me no matter what I weigh” philosophy.

We talk about sexual market values and marital market values because the field of intersexual relations is a marketplace. That means bargaining, negotiation, and above all, settling on what is actually available, is always going to be part of the process.

Let’s consider the relevant logic:

• Major Premise: All attractive women have multiple options

• Minor Premise: If you are attracted to a woman, she has other options in addition to you.

  • In nearly all cases, some of those options will be more attractive than you.

  • In nearly all cases, some of those options will be less attractive than you.

• Conclusion: If you are attracted to a woman, you cannot afford to be put off by the probability that there are men to whom she was/is more attracted than you, even if that probability rises to the level of certainty.

In this particular case, the woman probably did the right and reasonable thing by prioritizing the possible salvaging of her former boyfriend due to the sunk costs of the previous relationship. And while it’s perfectly understandable that her having done so offended the subscriber’s pride, I don’t think it was either rational or optimal behavior to pass on an otherwise attractive woman for having done so.

And yes, I do speak from experience, although in my case, the salvaging of the previous relationship was successful. I can’t say I was particularly delighted about it at the time, but it all worked out for the best in the end for everyone involved.