Many people, especially irreligious people, are under the false impression that half of all marriages fail. That is outdated data based on the Boomer generation, as at present, only one-third of marriages end in divorce, and even less if only first marriages are counted.
I couldn’t help but notice the contrast of the Christian social circle to which my wife and I belonged when we were first married with a secular social circle that was in the newspaper recently. The Christian social circle of about 10 couples has not seen a single divorce; in fact, there have only been two divorces of which I have heard among the extended set of couples that are one-step removed from the original core circle.
Whereas the secular circle of six couples that were recently written about in a British newspaper has been completely broken apart; all six of the couples ended up divorced in their late 40s and early 50s after an average of about 20 years of marriage.
I was blindsided when my wife divorced me, then the same happened to all my male friends.
It’s pretty clear that the wives are mostly ending the marriages over relatively petty dissatisfactions with life rather than abuse, infidelity, or anything particularly serious. One woman described her regrets five years after ending her marriage; she even says that she’d abandon her current boyfriend and go back to her husband in an instant if he would have her.
My impetus for pressing the self-destruct button on my 15-year marriage was a lot more mundane than that. I was dissatisfied, insecure and worn down by what I perceived as the drudge of my life and I lost my temper with him once too often.
But five years ago, with three daughters under ten and chronically ill parents, life was unrelenting. There were times in my early 40s when I wondered what on earth I had done to deserve such a life.
As a stay-at-home mum my life ran on a constant loop of school run, chores, seeing my parents, school run, clubs, cook, bath and bed – repeat. Occasionally, I'd get to go to the gym and, even more rarely, to have a coffee with my girlfriends.
Meanwhile, Lawrence went to work and saw his friends afterwards if it suited him, only helping out with chores and play dates at the weekends and – the one thing I really took umbrage with – had created a mancave at home, just for him.
That 10ft x 13ft space, filled with his books, computer games and boys' toys came to represent everything I resented about the 'unfairness' in our relationship. Why did he get to have a sanctuary away from the responsibilities of parenthood and running our home when I was the one shouldering the vast majority of the burden?
Over the years, what began as an in-joke between my girlfriends built into a constant simmering resentment, further fuelled by their own stories of husbands not doing their fair share. Yet I never addressed it with him – something I now bitterly regret.
All I remember was feeing constantly tired, stressed, guilty and resentful. I was short with the girls and even shorter with Lawrence.
On one cold Sunday morning in January, when he'd left his mug near the dishwasher instead of putting it inside the machine, I let rip.
It all came out: what a selfish father he was, spending hours in his mancave; that he never lifted a finger in the kitchen; how underwhelming he was in bed. Actually, he wasn't. If anything I was the underperformer, constantly finding excuses not to get intimate and, when we did do it, actually willing it to be over so that I could get some sleep.
I saw him wince, yet, seeing red, I carried on, shouting that we weren't even husband and wife, we were just partners bringing our children up. I then uttered the words I really wish I hadn't: 'We should just call it quits. I want someone better than you!'
By the time I had finished spewing out my awful tirade, I crumpled to the floor, where I promptly burst into tears. I assumed that, just like the other occasions when I'd had a monumental meltdown, Lawrence would kneel down and give me a soothing hug. Not this time. He walked out of the room.
That night, he went to stay at his mum's house and, after calling him throughout the night with no reply, the following day an email arrived telling me that I was right, we should call it quits.
Apparently, life was too short to walk on eggshells around me. He could never predict when I would erupt, scorching everything around me then expecting it all to be forgiven in a heartbeat.
Although Lawrence considered me a great mother, his rating of me as a wife was pretty poor and he'd had enough.
NEWSFLASH: The 44-year-old mother of three was not able to replace the man she’d landed in her late 20s with someone better than him. For some reason, this actually surprised her.
One thing that is clear from the woman’s account is that once she crossed the red line, external forces in the form of other women living vicariously through her tended to push her further along the path on which she’d set herself than she had ever intended. Rather like less-attractive friends encouraging their prettier friend to cut her hair, many women will encourage a dissatisfied wife to blow up her marriage.
Also, female solipsism tends to render women unable to discern that her husband may well be as unsatisfied as she is, and, of course, the average man is much less likely to express his feelings than the average woman. Which explains the shock of the wife who expects to be talked off the ledge and instead finds herself being pushed in the back by the very hands she expected to help her return to safety.
Careful what you wish, careful what you say.
Careful what you wish, you may regret it.
Careful what you wish, you just might get it.
Obviously, under the current legal regime, there is nothing a man can do if his wife intentionally blows up his marriage, whether it is in pursuit of her lost youth, getting her groove back, or sex tourism in Jamaica. But as I always advise, don’t necessarily take what a woman says too seriously, especially in moments of high emotion.
Find something else to do, find somewhere else to be for a few days, and then see where things are. Divorced or not, you’re going to be tied to the woman anyhow, so there is no need to rush things or match emotion for emotion. And if you’re a Delta or better, you have to know that even if things are over, you’re probably going to come out ahead in the long run.
So relax, go do something you’ve always wanted to do while giving her a week or so to calm down and come back to her senses. Don’t do anything that would further escalate the breakdown; don’t contact any ex-girlfriends or explore any opportunities with other women, but have a good time with no concerns for your responsibilities for her, for the children, or for anyone else. It won’t do anyone any harm, and it will prevent you from committing yourself one way or another in the heat of the moment.
Nearly every single woman I’ve ever known has said absolutely horrible things to her boyfriend or husband at one time or another, things that would have gotten her punched in the face if she was a man. So don’t ever delude yourself and imagine that things are going to be different with any other woman. No matter how nice she is, sooner or later her emotions will get the better of her and she will focus her ire on the nearest and safest available target, her husband.
Anyhow, this is yet another reminder of the intrinsic eucivilizational superiority of Christian culture. Whether it is the concept of Man being fallen, the principle of forgiveness, or the fear of Divine judgment, a Christian woman is far more likely to refrain from the temptations to blow up her marriage than a non-Christian woman.
When I was doing chemo, two years ago and had surgery and radiation, the only two people who were with me, were my husband and ten year old son. They never left my side in the hospital, slept on grimy hospital floors, because there was no extra bed. I prayed for boring days, days when we would not be running around wondering whether I would make it, whether my son would grow up without a mom.
Boring days are a blessing, it means you get to live a normal healthy life with the people you love. It means you are not worried about finance or death looming over you. I don't understand why many women can't find something to do that makes them happy. I know many working women, who have everything and complain about being unhappy. So, your husband is into sports, you find something that makes you happy, stay positive, be happy, Heaven knows your husband and family will thank you for just being happy.
And I can attest that men are not as shallow as they are made to be, my husband was just as sweet and romantic when I was bald and swollen and thought myself ugly. He didn't fall for a 20 year old, he was like a mom to me after my surgery, the way he took care of me.
Christianity isn't' always a preventative to divorce. My Ex and I are (were?) devout Catholics. Yet when she found herself in that cycle like in the example, did she reach out to a priest? Nope. She reached out to the coven of bitter women - her friends and sisters. In our faith, once you blow up your marriage, you can't just go to confession, say a few hail marys and bobs your uncle. Sin that serious requires repentance and reconciliation of some sort. Similar to what Avalanche said in this thread, you can't let those scars you created fester. You don't have to get back together but you must seek forgiveness. I certainly don't want to stand before God when I die with unresolved issues. Hell, it's bad enough to contemplate where I failed him unknowingly. Gotta answer for that too.
Couple things spring to mind from my experience; First is these women never seem to understand that the routine (or spiral) they are in is usually transitory. Those kids will grow up and leave. Matters will be different then. Same thing when the nest empties (as in my case). Hell, things changed with me not six months or so after everything was finalized. I finished my commitments leading a charity and a ministry and now have nothing but time on my hands for travel and fun.
Second, as was said in the piece, they never consider the secondary and tertiary effects of blowing their marriage up. Think kids here. Hell, my kids are grown, but now things are different with them. They clearly don't want to deal with any drama. And she's about the only grandparent those kids see. They see me less and less as I have another woman and life now. That's regrettable. But, could be transitory as well. It would not be but for divorce, for sure.
Here's some advice for women, what I told my daughters as teens. A guy can only take so much. Don't make loving you a job and treat him like an underperforming employee. What I haven't told them is if they blow up their marriage they will most certainly work their way down the SSH. Fixing it is far easier.
Just as a woman can sniff out a gamma from a distance, most men can sniff out the crazy, or why the husband left, in the first or second date and usually will take a pass. My current woman is a clot-shot widow. There are simply too many women 45-60 never married or widowed to consider crazy. And you can't fathom the scale of your competition in that demographic.
What happened in the example was the husbands eyes were opened. Ladies, your husband will always see you as the beautiful woman he married. Ever noticed those old couples where the dude is smiling at the missus as if he were looking at her 20 year old self? She's beautiful to him! Shatter that, show him the ugly, and he'll never see you that way again. You'll be like any other woman. You'll never get that back, even if you stay together.