What Brings a Man Down
How women perceive the hierarchy
Far be it from me to speak for women. This is a chance for the women in the community to explain what it is that a man does that causes women to perceive, rightly or wrongly, that a man is of sub-Alpha status.
Men, you can respond to female comments, react to them, and ask questions, but do not - I repeat, DO NOT - share your own theories and ideas. This isn’t about the male perspective, so Gammas, keep your damnable urge to help, explain, and clarify under tight control, please.
Autumn sent a long, thoughtful email that will be posted here on Sunday, but also added an appropriate addendum that is relevant to this post.
What brings a man down:
First glance:
Any whiff of girly, ex: man buns, ear rings, makeup
Over groomed (gay or mama’s boy)
No care/ under groomed (low self esteem)
Hints of insecurity and/or negative personality (smokes, nose ring)
Follows latest trend vs being a trend setter (man buns, skinny jeans)
Dresses like a child
Any micro tells of creepiness, a feeling something is off or RUN
Softness, no sign of ever doing any sort of exercise or physical work
Let’s be honest, lack of attractiveness for passing genes to the next generation
Behaviors
Lack of self confidence, for example any whining, indecisiveness, lack of successfulness or being good at anything (no hobbies, sports or work excellence)
Any hint of Creepiness (covered in abundance).
Failing to step up, especially when other men are without any thought to their own safety
Obsession with the alpha, living vicariously through or bromance.
Laziness
Inability to control one’s mind - excessive negativity, fearful, can’t do it
Odd behaviors which point to a lack of self awareness in social context, boundary issues and oddness in his family (ex trimming fingernails in the work cubical)
How other men and women are reacting / interacting
I can usually pinpoint the moment a man gives me the ick. If you can avoid that, a reasonable woman who is looking for a stable, longterm prospect can warm up to someone she's not immediately on fire for.
Examples of the ick
1. Needless correction/nervous talking. First date where the guy would repeat a foreign loan word I had said with the "correct" pronunciation in Italian. Think brus KETT a when I said the anglicized bruschetta. It's not that I don't know, it's that I don't codeswitch when I'm speaking one language. On another coffee date, the man spoke so quickly and continuously, I couldn't do anything but nod. I have a vague impression of what he looks like but I'll never forget the look of pity/horror of an older man that was there with his wife. He very much looked like he wanted to intervene.
2. Whining. Anything where a man accepts victimhood is a death sentence to female attraction. At the onset of covid, my ex was jokingly going to go out with all the not quite compliant masks (similar to BBs playful jokes). I remember distinctly months into it him whining about not getting the "free money" from the PPP loans like everyone else. Ew. That and in a store, someone asked us to put on masks and he flipped out and pointed to another guy they hadn't noticed not wearing a mask. The store manager literally shrugged and I remember thinking it's because you don't have the right vibe.
3. Lack of confidence. If you don't have this, it's probably hard to fake. But on the other hand, lack of confidence reveals a much larger problem - a man with no plan. I've gotten a barrage of texts from a man telling me I was shallow for not letting him have a moment of weakness which only convinced me my instinct was right. If you aren't high status with your own internal motivations, I highly recommend growing your faith. There's something very manly about being able to accept things as they are and proceed calmly. As a woman, I'm already freaking out. High status men will state that sometimes you have to fake this but I don't think low status can effectively. Best low status cope I can think is to say "I don't know but we are going to make the best of whatever happens." The delta lead in Designated Survivor is a good example of this mentality.
4. Trickery of any sort. Women are looking for the best option. And the best way to keep one long term is to let her decide you are the best choice. If she finds out you misled her in a meaningful way, it will permanently change her perspective of you. Be yourself, be your best self, but dont fake being someone else. There's a reason this is the go to conflict in rom coms and there's a reason why the resolution is usually something like it was a big misunderstanding or revealed to be minor. So for dating this means lying about your job, your ambitions, your desire to get married/have kids, and religion. Cheating seems obvious but if you ever hate on men who seem to get away with this just know that they are usually brutally if not refreshingly honest about it. (And he's sorry of course).
5. Demanding affection, especially early on. I once sat down to a date and the man complained that I hadn't even given him a hug when we met. This was the first meet from an online dating site. I simply did not feel comfortable and that was not my instinct. It was a nice restaurant, the evening was overall lovely, but a woman doesn't owe you physical affection. I have experienced far less subtle diatribes about what my date expected from me. None of those ended amorously. If you feel like there's not an attraction from her, I can guarantee you either haven't built a strong enough emotional connection or she is biding her time until a better prospect comes along.
Anything above indicates low status for me, usually gamma. And my only goal is to find a non gamma.
That said, my perception of high status includes decisiveness, resilience, fortitude, ambition, confidence, deep sense of responsibility, physical wellbeing, and social awareness or political savvy.
I'm 70% sure the person I'm dating is a bravo and what came through for me on that was he doesn't dump his problems on me, I have to ask. If anything he wants to know how my day is first. I've been told directly that certain things aren't for me to worry about which may seem controlling to some modern women but it's a relief. And there's been zero pressure but you can tell that the priority was if I would fit into a long term plan. Higher status men always have ambition and this can feel a little like nothings ever good enough but it's more a need to always be challenged and growing.
-Complaining about not having a girlfriend or mumbling ill will toward someone else who managed to marry his high school sweetheart
-complaining about not being famous or having made his impact on the world, and whining in general
-Not being able to take either a joke or accurate criticism
-uncontrolled anger
-throwing a fit, especially in public
-profanity that is not controlled (military habit gets a pass to an extent)
-displaying non-defensive aggression around children
-not taking responsibility or trying to pass over when he's done something wrong
-not listening when someone tries to put up a barrier in conversation (e.g. "I don't want to talk about this. Bring it to X." but the offender just keeps talking)
-Calling a woman to cry or complaining to a woman at work about your work
-Showing me photos of your beach trip where you and the guys took a photo under the moose head with bikini tops hanging from the antlers
-Threatening your former workplace and superior when you got fired for not doing your job
Just to name a few