The Female Perspective: DELTA
A request for the female readers
As I’m attempting to wrap up the SIGMA GAME book, one of the things I realized was particularly insightful - and arguably necessary - was a contribution from a female reader concerning her perspective on Gamma males. Here is an excerpt from her mini-dissertation:
The Gamma is also likely to get himself cast out. In the old days that meant death. An Alpha male can be cast out and he will take some of the tribe along. He will certainly protect the woman but the Gamma is the one that pushes the pregnant love interest in front of himself as a shield. Here, cave bear: eat her, not me! He’s also lazy and full of excuses. Need some mammoth meat? Go get it yourself.
Life will be much harder for you and your progeny with a Gamma. If you survive at all. Generally this is enough of a red flag to make the Gamma radioactive. However, there is more trouble on the horizon if you observe what happens to the women who settle for Gammas.
The Gamma is a creation of too much mothering and smothering. There is a lack of boundary between the Gamma’s self and the mother’s self. No woman wants to insert herself into that situation. Mother-in-law from Hell anyone? It’s way too crowded and Mommy is guaranteed to hate whoever comes between her and her precious boy. And don’t expect the Gamma to put his foot down and set boundaries on Mommy’s bad behavior. How damaging this is to the family dynamic is not a consideration. He likes being the center of attention. He likes being fought over by two women. E.g. Raymond in Everyone Loves Raymond.
I prefer quoting women on their own perspectives to attempting to speak for them on the basis of my observations and theories. So, if any of the female readers would like to share their perspective and experiences with regards to Delta Males, I would appreciate that. Please do NOT do so with regards to any of the other SSH ranks, as we’ll address them in coming days.
If you want to be identified by name or Internet appellation, I’ll be happy to give you credit. If you prefer to share anonymously, that’s fine too. We’re not looking for credentials here, just the genuine female perspective, whether it is positive, negative, or as almost always the case, a combination of both. I just want to know what you genuinely think about the men of your acquaintance that you regard as Deltas.
Gentlemen, it’s fine to respond to the women’s comments and ask them questions for clarification if you like, but do not post any comments about your own perspective, or what you think the women’s perspectives are, or worse, what you think the women’s perspectives should be. And Deltas, instead of reacting to whatever the women happen to say, for good or for ill, I would suggest contemplating how their insights might apply to your own situation.
One of the best things about Deltas is the way they will take something like being a husband or being a father and make it their mission to be a Good Husband/Father(tm). Motivated Deltas really make the best husbands and fathers. But you can't trust that they'll always get it right the first time, though. A wife might want more time with her Delta husband while his idea of being The Good Husband is to provide for her, so naturally he works 80 hour weeks.
The downside to Deltas is definitely their Delta narcissism and their aversion to conflict (with women especially). If a Delta has got in into his head that being a good guy means always "believing the best about people" or "compromising" in order to solve conflict he'll end up tolerating way too much disrespect, manipulative behavior and outright abuse at times. This will of course also lower his status in the eyes of men and women alike.
If I could give some advice to married Deltas it would be to 1) stop tolerating disrespect and 2) stop avoiding conflict all the time. We know you get pissed off at our shenanigans so trying to act like everything's fine is not going to work. Besides, you only get passive aggressive when you do that.
The biggest vein of frustration that I see running through the relationships with a Delta is that women cannot understand why his intrepid commitment to competence does not translate to personal ambition. Not in the way women view it. The wife internalizes this as "doing it all", "invisible labor", and most hurtful to the Delta's particular makeup "weaponized incompetence."
I tend to see this dynamic blow up in times of stress. Typically, when money is short and tempers are shorter or when children have been introduced. Deltas will also unwittingly fan the fire for months or years because they sense that the woman is upset but she assured them that it is fine. So they think it is fine. When she finally admit that it is not fine, he becomes defensive. Or worse, provides data on how she is in fact fine. Two measures I regularly see taken that backfire are 1) the woman fruitlessly attempts to outperform the man in her career and every other aspect, and because she can accomplish much of the same accolades with less effort in the existing landscape, the Delta becomes despondent, or 2) the Delta becomes desperate to achieve recognition from the woman and attempts to become more "ambitious" at work but that almost is never enough to win the respect of other men resulting in a gamma esque meltdown while also neglecting his family obligations. Then the Delta ends up in a therapy session where 2 women are upset at him.
The negative aspect of Delta competence is what I consider "Roomba mode": the Delta does his job and then goes into standby mode waiting for the next prompt to run. The positive aspect is the Golden Retriever boyfriend/husband lauded on women's Instagram. I cant give better advice than the men here on how to become more successful in male hierarchies, but I can say that Deltas who learn to create a vision for their family and work life thrive. It is hard to beat the persistent positivity of a Delta who has achieved his dulce vita.
When your wife/girlfriend/fiance blows up, and men call this the shit test, do not bow. Instead, I recommend learning to listen to unwarranted criticism and assess why they are actually upset. You cannot ask, and women think venting is a form of conflict resolution. She will feel temporarily better but you can't become a milquetoast. Take some time to create a vision for yourself, your family, your career. I think Dave Ramsey has the most relatable advice for Delta men because he essentially gives them the tools to navigate an unsuccessful democracy of two into a marriage where the budget is the tool for creating a high definition dream. Some of the advice is too reliant on women being able to articulate what they need AND assumes they will be happy when they get what they say that they want. We know that is not true. Better to ignore her words and respond to her implicit demand for order and leadership. You may not do what she says but you will become better and women notice that.
Finally caveat, weed out the harpies and shrews in dating if you can. If you didn't and you are in happy wife, happy life mode, get super comfortable with the idea of divorce and your marriage failing. It may be the best thing to happen to you because when you lead your house as you should she will either get on board or work against you constantly.