The reaction of the Boomer women sounds like what I see on TV and read in the media, but I never hear in real life, probably because I live in the deep south. Here, career oriented women generally will say something about how they could never stay home full time because they would go crazy, but they don't act like anyone who does stay home is a traitor to the cause.
"If someone is actually willing to make the effort to do what you want, then under no circumstances should you ever punish them for doing so. It is a much better idea to focus on the parts that they are doing right than to emphasize the (potentially many) parts that they are still doing wrong. By rewarding successive approximations to the target behavior, you can leverage the power of shaping. I discuss more in this episode."
"This is why it’s also incumbent on men to strongly support their wives and daughters who find themselves stepping up into what is almost certainly a new and alien role for most of them. They need the men in their lives cheering them on to help counteract the relentless negativity and criticism they will inevitably encounter as a result of rejecting the older women who seek to be their mentors in self-destruction."
YES
Early in our marriage my husband and I purposed together to get mentorship from older, successfully married couples, with a track record we wanted to follow. This because we admitted that our own parents--devorced Boomers all--were NOT the pattern we wanted for our family.
We read books, went to marriage classes, and asked questions directly of those whose marriages we admired.
Despite this the biggest impact on me has been my husband's consistent, practical example of actively protecting me from the "stercus" that comes my way. We're nearly two decades married, and the anecdotes are many.
My father right in front of me, once made a 'watch out or you'll sleep on the couch' joke. My husband looked directly at him and said, "We don't joke about such topics. We got married to get along not to be selfish." To his credit my father immediately apologies to my husband; and my husband became even taller to me.
He has had to tell both his and my mother about where they are overstepping their influence in our family.
As newlyweds, first year, no kids, we had attend a social function with lots of extender family. In the car on the way home he said to me, "Did you notice how *She* was treating her husband? Bossing and loudly complaining about him? Many of his relatives were there. Did you notice how the guys were looking at him? Did you see his face?
I want you to NEVER behave like that in public."
I had noticed, but hearing my husband's perspective of the situation helped me know how seriously damaging our influences can be.
"The end goal is to have our kids be more skilled, more nourished, & more set up for success than we were due to parental failure."
Inspiring. I did not have such a mindset while parenting. I didn't see my parents as failures, nor was I at all clear on where they could have done better, so I was not decisively steering a new and improved course. I did do some things very differently but I saw that as just my and my wife going our own way, not as a course-correction.
I laughed at the Boomer posts: waaayyy over the top, I thought. But I enjoy reading them now as they (and especially the comments) provide me with perspectives and experiences which I lack.
"Misery loves company, and failures love giving advice" I've seen this over and over. Especially with the ex-wife. Many women have a genetic compulsion to marinate in other's misery. I see them all the time in some of my Church's ministries. They give out horrifically bad advice, more often than not in line with 'the current thing' rather than the doctrine of the Church. Churchian hypocrites, all.
All it takes is a woman to have some rocks on her path as a wife, and next thing you know, she's divorced and even more miserable.
Yeap. This is what me and my wife, millenials, are doing. The end goal is to have our kids be more skilled, mor nourished, & more set up for success than we were due to parental failure. Everything is from scratch.
One thing, though. The dicotomy between being a STAHM and a boss career oriented woman is false. Specially if you have an extended family. See, spinster aunties are a net gain to the survival of their families even if they don’t reproduce, because they contribute resources to the survival of their siblings’ children.
Really, having a spinster sibling can be a blessing to one's children in case their parents die.
If we older ladies are not feeling convicted about the need to go find the younger moms around us and take them under our wing, we're not reading this right.
Solid churches offer a higher probability of finding the mentorship this young lady desires. God knows what works, Proverbs 31 offers an excellent blueprint.
The reaction of the Boomer women sounds like what I see on TV and read in the media, but I never hear in real life, probably because I live in the deep south. Here, career oriented women generally will say something about how they could never stay home full time because they would go crazy, but they don't act like anyone who does stay home is a traitor to the cause.
For the video inclined youtube generation this had a useful similar message:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sRXBDTgFToQ
"If someone is actually willing to make the effort to do what you want, then under no circumstances should you ever punish them for doing so. It is a much better idea to focus on the parts that they are doing right than to emphasize the (potentially many) parts that they are still doing wrong. By rewarding successive approximations to the target behavior, you can leverage the power of shaping. I discuss more in this episode."
Its almost like boomers made us forget how to be real humans.
Women are water, taking the shape of any vessel into which she is poured.
The environment in which you “raise” your spouse is the most important determinant of divorce risk,
Use that to your advantage
And as for the Boomers, well....
https://incendar.com/baby_boomer_deathclock.php
"This is why it’s also incumbent on men to strongly support their wives and daughters who find themselves stepping up into what is almost certainly a new and alien role for most of them. They need the men in their lives cheering them on to help counteract the relentless negativity and criticism they will inevitably encounter as a result of rejecting the older women who seek to be their mentors in self-destruction."
YES
Early in our marriage my husband and I purposed together to get mentorship from older, successfully married couples, with a track record we wanted to follow. This because we admitted that our own parents--devorced Boomers all--were NOT the pattern we wanted for our family.
We read books, went to marriage classes, and asked questions directly of those whose marriages we admired.
Despite this the biggest impact on me has been my husband's consistent, practical example of actively protecting me from the "stercus" that comes my way. We're nearly two decades married, and the anecdotes are many.
My father right in front of me, once made a 'watch out or you'll sleep on the couch' joke. My husband looked directly at him and said, "We don't joke about such topics. We got married to get along not to be selfish." To his credit my father immediately apologies to my husband; and my husband became even taller to me.
He has had to tell both his and my mother about where they are overstepping their influence in our family.
As newlyweds, first year, no kids, we had attend a social function with lots of extender family. In the car on the way home he said to me, "Did you notice how *She* was treating her husband? Bossing and loudly complaining about him? Many of his relatives were there. Did you notice how the guys were looking at him? Did you see his face?
I want you to NEVER behave like that in public."
I had noticed, but hearing my husband's perspective of the situation helped me know how seriously damaging our influences can be.
Yes, this is the way.
I almost wonder if the "domestics" should be mandatory in public schools?
I'm in the homeschool community, and can attest to those things being taught among my pears and mentors in that group.
Also, lots of talk of future spouses/marriages of their children, and looking forward to being grandparents.
"The end goal is to have our kids be more skilled, more nourished, & more set up for success than we were due to parental failure."
Inspiring. I did not have such a mindset while parenting. I didn't see my parents as failures, nor was I at all clear on where they could have done better, so I was not decisively steering a new and improved course. I did do some things very differently but I saw that as just my and my wife going our own way, not as a course-correction.
I laughed at the Boomer posts: waaayyy over the top, I thought. But I enjoy reading them now as they (and especially the comments) provide me with perspectives and experiences which I lack.
"Misery loves company, and failures love giving advice" I've seen this over and over. Especially with the ex-wife. Many women have a genetic compulsion to marinate in other's misery. I see them all the time in some of my Church's ministries. They give out horrifically bad advice, more often than not in line with 'the current thing' rather than the doctrine of the Church. Churchian hypocrites, all.
All it takes is a woman to have some rocks on her path as a wife, and next thing you know, she's divorced and even more miserable.
Yeap. This is what me and my wife, millenials, are doing. The end goal is to have our kids be more skilled, mor nourished, & more set up for success than we were due to parental failure. Everything is from scratch.
Better to be dependable than independent.
It will take minimum of 3 generations to fix.
1st to recognize and break pattern
2nd to forgive the failures that will happen and continue and refine the new skills.
3rd to form the osmosis learning patterns for it to just be "natural".
One thing, though. The dicotomy between being a STAHM and a boss career oriented woman is false. Specially if you have an extended family. See, spinster aunties are a net gain to the survival of their families even if they don’t reproduce, because they contribute resources to the survival of their siblings’ children.
Really, having a spinster sibling can be a blessing to one's children in case their parents die.
On average, not nearly as much as bachelor uncles.
The edgy counter-culture is rearing of capable children, no tats.
If we older ladies are not feeling convicted about the need to go find the younger moms around us and take them under our wing, we're not reading this right.
God bless you
And you, also!
A good homeschool group like Classical Conversations will help make up for lost time.
Solid churches offer a higher probability of finding the mentorship this young lady desires. God knows what works, Proverbs 31 offers an excellent blueprint.