Mr. Tubcuddle

Probably the greatest song you will ever hear about bathtub enthusiasts

MR. TUBCUDDLE

[VERSE 1]

Mister Tubcuddle is a cleanly man

He takes a bath wherever he can

He drives a white and unmarked van

Don’t forget it

If it's cold or if it's hotter

Don't you dare get in the water

Even if you are his daughter

You'll regret it

Beware that creepy evil grin

If he asks you don't encourage him

Don't even think of getting in

The water

[VERSE 2]

Mister Tubcuddle is a famous man

You might think you're his biggest fan

Loved Coraline and the Sandman

It’s a bad idea

I'm not saying he's a creep

But he preys upon the weak

And he'll put you right to sleep

If you let him

It's not a good way to unwind

If you value your behind

You'll just wish you had declined

When he asked you

[CHORUS]

You don't want to join the club

There's no bubbles in the tub

Just say no, say no,

It’s no trouble

You don't want to join the club

There's no bubbles in the tub

Just say no Mister Tubcuddle

[VERSE 3]

I'm not saying he's the worst

Just don't think that you're the first

He's got a sociopathic thirst

It’s all on Reddit

But if you failed to stay away

And found yourself in disarray

Don't sign that secret NDA

You'll regret it

[CHORUS]

You don't want to join the club

There's no bubbles in the tub

Just say no, say no,

It’s no trouble

You don't want to join the club

There's no bubbles in the tub

Just say no Mister Tubcuddle

The incredible thing is that the song was written before the news of the BathBookNeil blog came out, in which someone who couldn’t possibly have been Neil Gaiman was actively soliciting people to send pictures of themselves reading Gaiman’s book in the bath. Preferably naked. Or, you know, naked.

Is there actually a dedicated place for happy photos of people reading my books in the bath? Why, thank you. I love it when things move at the speed of internet. (And as far as I am concerned, people can be reading their books in the bath naked, fully dressed, they can be of any gender or all, masked, alone, or in groups of as many of them as can fit into a bath.)

The man certainly does appreciate bathtubs. And books. And nakedness.

An actual picture from Bath Book Neil.

This sort of fetishistic freakshow is an obvious consequence of a Gamma reaching a situational Alpha position in a sufficiently large social circle. Despite his success and high SSH rank in the circle, the Gamma cannot break his behavioral patterns of dishonesty, indirection, and passive-aggression. Hence the fake surprise, the fake detachment, and the fake pretense that this is all in good fun, which is why there is a very high probability that the “Jolene Parton” account did not belong to a fan and college student at all, but is actually a sock puppet account.

Underneath the mask of false disinterest is a slobbering freak who is losing control and is inordinately excited by complete strangers catering to his particular fantasies.