[VERSE 1]
Mister Tubcuddle is a cleanly man
He takes a bath wherever he can
He drives a white and unmarked van
Don’t forget it
If it's cold or if it's hotter
Don't you dare get in the water
Even if you are his daughter
You'll regret it
Beware that creepy evil grin
If he asks you don't encourage him
Don't even think of getting in
The water
[VERSE 2]
Mister Tubcuddle is a famous man
You might think you're his biggest fan
Loved Coraline and the Sandman
It’s a bad idea
I'm not saying he's a creep
But he preys upon the weak
And he'll put you right to sleep
If you let him
It's not a good way to unwind
If you value your behind
You'll just wish you had declined
When he asked you
[CHORUS]
You don't want to join the club
There's no bubbles in the tub
Just say no, say no,
It’s no trouble
You don't want to join the club
There's no bubbles in the tub
Just say no Mister Tubcuddle
[VERSE 3]
I'm not saying he's the worst
Just don't think that you're the first
He's got a sociopathic thirst
It’s all on Reddit
But if you failed to stay away
And found yourself in disarray
Don't sign that secret NDA
You'll regret it
[CHORUS]
You don't want to join the club
There's no bubbles in the tub
Just say no, say no,
It’s no trouble
You don't want to join the club
There's no bubbles in the tub
Just say no Mister Tubcuddle
The incredible thing is that the song was written before the news of the BathBookNeil blog came out, in which someone who couldn’t possibly have been Neil Gaiman was actively soliciting people to send pictures of themselves reading Gaiman’s book in the bath. Preferably naked. Or, you know, naked.
Is there actually a dedicated place for happy photos of people reading my books in the bath? Why, thank you. I love it when things move at the speed of internet. (And as far as I am concerned, people can be reading their books in the bath naked, fully dressed, they can be of any gender or all, masked, alone, or in groups of as many of them as can fit into a bath.)
The man certainly does appreciate bathtubs. And books. And nakedness.
This sort of fetishistic freakshow is an obvious consequence of a Gamma reaching a situational Alpha position in a sufficiently large social circle. Despite his success and high SSH rank in the circle, the Gamma cannot break his behavioral patterns of dishonesty, indirection, and passive-aggression. Hence the fake surprise, the fake detachment, and the fake pretense that this is all in good fun, which is why there is a very high probability that the “Jolene Parton” account did not belong to a fan and college student at all, but is actually a sock puppet account.
Underneath the mask of false disinterest is a slobbering freak who is losing control and is inordinately excited by complete strangers catering to his particular fantasies.
I just showed this and played it for a community member who is hanging with me right now and we were both singing and laughing. Ahhmazing work Vox.
Absolute blast!