Kindness vs Flattery

A subscriber asks the Sigma about the difference

In the past you've mentioned people give you their triggers when they speak, as demonstrated in today's post. One analogy you used was martial arts, every attack creates an opening to counter-attack. When you write your post on manipulation, can you give advice on how to compliment people and the difference between kindness and flattery?

This is not a general post on manipulation, but rather, a specific one focusing on the question concerning how to compliment people and distinguishing between kindness and flattery.

I’ll address the latter question first.

Flattery is a complimentary act motivated by self-interest on the part of the giver. It may or may not be legitimate - contra the dictionary definition, I believe that a real and truly merited compliment can still be flattery - but it is primarily given in order to achieve something for the giver.

Kindness is an act that is motivated by sympathy or empathy in the receiver’s interest. This is why I part from the dictionary definition of flattery, because even insincere and excessive praise can be kindness rather than an act motivated by self-interest.

For example, if you see a woman who is obviously down in the dumps for one reason or another, telling her how pretty she is or how great she looks in order to cheer her up is an act of kindness, not flattery, assuming that lifting her mood is your primary motivation. Telling a mediocre performer that he’s really doing a great job and you appreciate the effort that he’s putting in is also an act of kindness rather than flattery.

Now, the key to compliments is effective pseudo-empathy. Because people have variant psychologies and because few men and essentially no women are empathetic, its not enough to simply apply the Golden Rule and speak unto others as you would have them do unto you.

First, observe and listen to the other person. Pay attention to their emotional triggers. They will tell you what they care about and what they do not care about. Then praise them and compliment them in the areas that they care about. Women like to be told that they are smart and pretty. Male preferences tend to be dictated by their SSH type.

Women, especially, should understand that an ability to compliment men is like a superpower. Most men hear nothing but denigration of one sort or another from the women in their lives - women are always telling little jokes at their expense, so funny! - so when a woman pays a man a compliment, he tends to treasure it and feel positive toward her.

It’s absolutely true. I once worked out that my unusually high level of confidence in the male-female arena was largely based on five specific compliments given in my late formative years.