Fixing Toxic Masculinity
Real rock from the rock
Toxic masculinity is real, although it’s not what the feminists say it is. Feminists have nothing to offer on the subject, as only Alphas can hope to fix broken men and teach them functional manhood to replace their dysfunctional and dyscivic version:
The brief history of The Agoge in its original form began with a group of men sitting on the bleachers out on the rec yard. One of the fellas was bitching about how stupid one of his programs was. “‘n this hoe like, ‘it's okay to let it out, you're safe here” he explained to us in a mocking woman's voice. His was a common gripe we'd all heard and felt 1,000 times over.
People who don't know nothing about us coming in to tell us how to be like them.
They would talk to us like we were kindergartners. Telling us how we must feel and why our lives turned out the way they did. It was like having people tell you that your accent is being spoken wrong.
But he put up with it because, just like any of us, he wanted the completion certificates to show the Parole Board. Gotta make sure they know what good little monkeys we were. None of the programs ever accomplished anything. No one ever changed or got better. We all just played along to get the certificate in our file.
Not most, literally everyone did this. Anyone caught taking a program seriously when the staff wasn't within ear shot would've been humiliated. A guy would've been better off getting spotted wearing booty shorts. They don't teach us, we school them. That's the joint. You're in our house.
“Why we fuck with it if that shit ain't ‘bout shit?” I asked the fellas as I laid on the bleacher with my hands behind my head. Just watching the sky be blue for a bit. “We know what they doin’ wrong” I continued after a few non-committal replies, “so why don't we jus’ do it ourselves?”
Believe it or not, most of us genuinely wanted to be better but settled on our lives just being nothing more than what they already were. Our resistance to outsiders was greater than even our sense of self preservation. We’d rather be broken than be like you.
That said, this began the process of looking into what made us US.
We obviously understood that there had to be things that made us the way we were so it became a thought exercise to pass the time. If nothing else, it was something to do to break up the monotony. Walking the track, during workouts, in the Chow Hall, the topic kept coming up. Eventually we boiled everything down to a single core issue; Manhood. We agreed that dysfunctional manhood was the problem and everything else that brought us to the joint was just in one way or another a symptom of that affliction.
I strongly suspect that Coleman, the creator of the anti-recidivism program, will find the concepts of the SSH to be helpful in his noble endeavor to transform criminals into good men who are solid citizens. The fact that he independently landed upon “the Pack” as a foundational conceptual tool is a strong sign that he is on the right track.
We trained ourselves to catch anything that sounded like an excuse or a cop out and to attack the man who said it.
SSH translation: No Gammas, no excuses.
It had to be someone who already carried a respected name so those participating would listen and absorb things.
SSH translation: Find the Alphas, put them in charge.
“Why” doesn't matter. Only WHAT you do or don't do affects the world around you.
No translation needed. This is why we focus on the WHAT here, not the WHY.
Guys don't seem able to do anything which means any man out here who can perform something as simple as initiating and holding a conversation can basically do anything he wants now.
SSH translation: Deltas and Gammas are social cowards. Boldness, not confidence, now conveys high-status.
The point is, things are what they are regardless of your personal opinions and feelings about them.
Preach, preacher!
I’ve sponsored many men at AA that would initially look at their drinking as not their fault. They would blame it on their upbringing, on times when they got fucked over, or handed a raw deal. And believe me, some of them got really fucked over in life from very early age. Some of these guys also did time in the joint for everything from arson to vehicular manslaughter. Two of them were inner-city gangbangers that were taught “the life” by male role models while they were in their childhood. When they would make excuses, I would just listen quietly and say, “OK, that was your situation then, but what changes are you making now to not perpetuate the madness that is your current life?” The madness in their life included getting calls all day by bill collectors, if they didn’t get their phone cut off (I always noticed this was the only bill they would almost reliably pay), car repo’d, no driver’s license, can’t see their kids due to restraining orders, and other legal troubles. I would make it clear that although their drinking might not be their fault, their life and actions were their responsibility and no one else’s and they needed to take responsibility for their actions in the now. Some of them got it, but most would just go back to their old ways perpetuating the madness. The ones that really wanted help and really did hit rock bottom were way more salvageable in my experience.
One of my sponsees that almost all the above applied to opened a very successful barber shop in Brooklyn after he was a few months past 4 years sober. When his business took off, I called few bankers I know for him so he could buy the building. The buy went through. The guy who owed over 50K at one point ended up being a millionaire and his criminal record didn’t matter any more. First thing he did was hire a lawyer so he could see his daughter again. After that, he worked his way out of debt slavery and became his own man. The work wasn’t building a business, but was looking in the mirror and not lying to himself about who he was. The work was also looking in the mirror and telling himself who he was and living up to it, no matter how hard for it was for him.
I always see this guy when I’m nearby his shop, but I make sure I have a fresh haircut otherwise he insists on giving me a free one. To this day, after 20 years, he still thinks he owes me. I point to the mirror and remind him that the guy in mirror was the one that did all the hard work, not me.
I feel bad for gammas. Unlike addicts, they haven’t hit rock bottom and haven’t figured out that their actions are the reasons for their pain. When you are in jail, owe everyone and their brother money, or have to go to court every week, it’s way more obvious. But when you get by on fake achievement, confusing everything with dumb questions, and lying to yourself, it is way harder to look in the mirror and be honest about who you really are.
The worst inmate programs to facilitate are the ones led by women. From yoga to theater therapy to OG NA, they always talk about *their* feelings (which are inevitably irrelevant). Best one was a relapse prevention led by inmate peers - focused on radical accountability. The lead guy got nominated for a governors pardon. I just let them do their thing and they made sure the rules got followed.