"A number of people who enjoy my epic fantasy series have declared it to be “better than Tolkien”."
The opening of A Throne of Bones is better than the Lord of the Rings. Compare the first hundred pages of both, and it's clear Tolkien is inferior. The end of the Fellowship of the Ring is better than ATOB, even though it was an editorial decision to end the book there rather than the authors intent. Tolkien is highly praised for good reason, but he wasn't perfect. Some aspects of your books are better than his. Some aspects of his will never be surpassed.
I'm one of the people who enjoy your books more than his. It is what it is.
This is the most motherfucking gamma habit I have. I wish I had read Vox way earlier in my life.
And now I see, that if you think about it for a bit, it is obvious:
Put yourself on the other person's shoes: Imagine you went to a restaurant, and liked your dish so much, you asked the chef to your table, to give him your enthusiastic compliments.
Now, imagine that the little fuck, instead of saying thank you, starts to tell you in details how actually, it was a pretty ordinary dish, and how he is not the Michelin Chef you seem to think he, but rather a simple mediocre cook.
How would you feel? You'd feel as an idiot, as a simpleton that can't even know the difference between slop and high cuisine. And you'd resent the fucking prick for making you look like an idiot.
What’s with the invitation into the inner narrative they seem to love so much? I suppose the parenthetical are supposed to make the boring and vapid less so (that’s so sigma of you, you rascal). But they don’t.
I think the inability to take a compliment comes from a feeling that one doesn't deserve it. Instead of turning down the compliment, the right way to deal with this is to return a compliment to make things even.
It may also come from a feeling that, having been given a compliment, one is now in "social debt" to that other person. Returning a compliment also relieves that debt.
In general, just accept the compliment graciously. Full stop.
Don't return the compliment unless the return is warranted. For example, If you scored a goal and the person who gave you the assist compliments you, then it's warranted to compliment the assister, for his great pass. But if someone else on the team compliments you, just accept his compliment, and that's it.
Unwarranted compliments have no meaning, so don't do it.
My father used to tell a story about a young violinist who would play concerts. And after every show people would come up and praise him and he would rebuff every compliment. One night an old woman said, you are the most talented young man I have ever seen. I have never heard someone play as well as you. And the young man replied as usual, oh really it's nothing. I'm not even very good. And she said, you're right. I've heard much better but you should receive all things in the spirit in which they are given.
Receiving compliments is a skill that some possess as an instinctive talent but it can be practiced and should. Thank you for calling out women on this. It's one of our most destructive impulses.
There was a bit in The Chronicles of Thomas Covenant that stuck with me. I'll post the excerpt, though it's a theme repeated over and over. "The giving of this gift honors us, and in accepting it we return honor to the giver"
---
Turning his smile toward Covenant, he said, "Unbeliever, our presences are no longer needed here. You have not eaten, and the weariness of your journey lies heavily upon you. Will you accept the hospitality of my house?"
The invitation surprised Covenant; for a moment he hesitated, trying to decide whether or not he could trust the Hirebrand. Baradakas appeared calm, unhostile, but his smile was more complex than Llaura's apology. But then Covenant reflected that if the question were one of trust, he would be safer with Baradakas alone than with all the Heers together. Stiffly, he said, "You honor me."
The Hirebrand bowed. "In accepting a gift you honor the giver."
---
It changed my view on accepting gifts vs false humility forever. You accept the compliment for their sake, not yours, it's the only way to return what they gave you. And the more graciously you accept it the more honor you return to them. To do otherwise, like Vox said, is to visibly throw their gift to you into the trash in front of them. The book says the source of that false humility is a miserly selfishness that doesn't want to pay them back or owe anyone anything.
Those Riceinho free kicks will be giving me joy for years.
His interview after the game was exactly to the point Vox makes in this article. Thierry Henry and Micah Richards are falling over themselves trying to describe Rice's universal masterclass against the "greatest" team in the Champions League, and Declan takes it calmly ("I appreciate that") and without overt pride, acknowledging his actions ("It's in my locker") and moving on to what matters overall: making things happen for his teammates.
I had a cat that would bring me mice into my bed. Usually just on the top covers, but one time, one fell into the dip between me and the mattress. As I gingerly tried to fish it out, it turns out it was still alive, so it took its chance and ran away.
More than once I woke in the night to the "crunch crunch" of a mouse being consumed on my blankets. So I guess it wasn't really a gift for me, the cat just liked bringing them to that spot.
Mid-to-low status men tend to have a self-conception that lends to self-deprecation. The solution is to ditch the narcissism; when someone gives you a compliment that doesn't align with your self-assessment, allow for the possibility that you are not seeing yourself accurately.
How does a high status male deal with false praise from a gamma male trying to curry favor with him? Would he simply keep it in the back of his head and respond like it’s a genuine compliment or would he put the gamma in his place? I’m asking because I have this gamma kiss-ass in my group that thinks he is going to smooch my but to get promoted by constantly complimenting me in front of the group.
It’s beginning to really piss me off because as a delta I despise ass-kissing, particularly from incompetent gammas. For now I just say thanks and change the subject, but what I really want to do is to put him in his place and explicitly tell him in front of the whole group that his Jedi mind trick bullshit doesn’t work on me. But then again, everyone sees his compliments for what they are so maybe I should just keep saying thanks and ignore it?
"Thank you." And then go about your day. Focus on the good stuff—the relevant people. Which moves matter to you? Which people on your team are the important players? Think more of those.
If he is as worthless and impotent as you say, he is begging you to respect him. If you want to dismiss him and treat him worse, then do that.
Imo any time the gamma spends trying to grease a wheel that will never turn is time that's not being used destroying the meeting more aggressively. If you can sustainably handle just sitting there and moving on I think that's one of the better outcomes of having a loud gamma in a meeting, especially since everyone knows what he's doing.
Imagine if he wasn't kissing ass what he would be doing instead, the meetings could get very much more annoying.
Maybe it was the affect of the skeptical local culture I was immersed in as a child, but besides trusted family and friends, any compliment I got I expected to be followed by some kind of sales pitch or line of BS.
Wouldn't it be more fun to play along long enough to find out if it is, in fact, going to be followed by a sales pitch or bs? You never know what you might get if you ditch the cynicism.
This came up randomly on my Substack feed yesterday:
"If you think you’re bad at flirting, last night a gal that was exceedingly out of my league told me that I look like a cool guy, and I said “well, you know what they say, looks can be deceiving” and she just nodded and walked away."
I told him he should have just said "I am. What's your name? Mine's ZZZ".
Early on, I did this with the first alpha to adopt me (who did the real heavy lifting of rooting out the bad behavior) and he told me, “learn to take a compliment.” I can still hear him saying it like it was yesterday. The words stuck.
"A number of people who enjoy my epic fantasy series have declared it to be “better than Tolkien”."
The opening of A Throne of Bones is better than the Lord of the Rings. Compare the first hundred pages of both, and it's clear Tolkien is inferior. The end of the Fellowship of the Ring is better than ATOB, even though it was an editorial decision to end the book there rather than the authors intent. Tolkien is highly praised for good reason, but he wasn't perfect. Some aspects of your books are better than his. Some aspects of his will never be surpassed.
I'm one of the people who enjoy your books more than his. It is what it is.
One of the biggest problems with Tolkien: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=DgMnCLHQuqc
This is the most motherfucking gamma habit I have. I wish I had read Vox way earlier in my life.
And now I see, that if you think about it for a bit, it is obvious:
Put yourself on the other person's shoes: Imagine you went to a restaurant, and liked your dish so much, you asked the chef to your table, to give him your enthusiastic compliments.
Now, imagine that the little fuck, instead of saying thank you, starts to tell you in details how actually, it was a pretty ordinary dish, and how he is not the Michelin Chef you seem to think he, but rather a simple mediocre cook.
How would you feel? You'd feel as an idiot, as a simpleton that can't even know the difference between slop and high cuisine. And you'd resent the fucking prick for making you look like an idiot.
An excellent kata around the topic in question.
What’s with the invitation into the inner narrative they seem to love so much? I suppose the parenthetical are supposed to make the boring and vapid less so (that’s so sigma of you, you rascal). But they don’t.
I think the inability to take a compliment comes from a feeling that one doesn't deserve it. Instead of turning down the compliment, the right way to deal with this is to return a compliment to make things even.
It may also come from a feeling that, having been given a compliment, one is now in "social debt" to that other person. Returning a compliment also relieves that debt.
In general, just accept the compliment graciously. Full stop.
Don't return the compliment unless the return is warranted. For example, If you scored a goal and the person who gave you the assist compliments you, then it's warranted to compliment the assister, for his great pass. But if someone else on the team compliments you, just accept his compliment, and that's it.
Unwarranted compliments have no meaning, so don't do it.
That's an important note. It depends on the context. There are situations where returning a compliment is unnecessary.
My father used to tell a story about a young violinist who would play concerts. And after every show people would come up and praise him and he would rebuff every compliment. One night an old woman said, you are the most talented young man I have ever seen. I have never heard someone play as well as you. And the young man replied as usual, oh really it's nothing. I'm not even very good. And she said, you're right. I've heard much better but you should receive all things in the spirit in which they are given.
Receiving compliments is a skill that some possess as an instinctive talent but it can be practiced and should. Thank you for calling out women on this. It's one of our most destructive impulses.
There was a bit in The Chronicles of Thomas Covenant that stuck with me. I'll post the excerpt, though it's a theme repeated over and over. "The giving of this gift honors us, and in accepting it we return honor to the giver"
---
Turning his smile toward Covenant, he said, "Unbeliever, our presences are no longer needed here. You have not eaten, and the weariness of your journey lies heavily upon you. Will you accept the hospitality of my house?"
The invitation surprised Covenant; for a moment he hesitated, trying to decide whether or not he could trust the Hirebrand. Baradakas appeared calm, unhostile, but his smile was more complex than Llaura's apology. But then Covenant reflected that if the question were one of trust, he would be safer with Baradakas alone than with all the Heers together. Stiffly, he said, "You honor me."
The Hirebrand bowed. "In accepting a gift you honor the giver."
---
It changed my view on accepting gifts vs false humility forever. You accept the compliment for their sake, not yours, it's the only way to return what they gave you. And the more graciously you accept it the more honor you return to them. To do otherwise, like Vox said, is to visibly throw their gift to you into the trash in front of them. The book says the source of that false humility is a miserly selfishness that doesn't want to pay them back or owe anyone anything.
Those Riceinho free kicks will be giving me joy for years.
His interview after the game was exactly to the point Vox makes in this article. Thierry Henry and Micah Richards are falling over themselves trying to describe Rice's universal masterclass against the "greatest" team in the Champions League, and Declan takes it calmly ("I appreciate that") and without overt pride, acknowledging his actions ("It's in my locker") and moving on to what matters overall: making things happen for his teammates.
When the cat brings me a mouse I say "Haha, its mine now."
I had a cat that would bring me mice into my bed. Usually just on the top covers, but one time, one fell into the dip between me and the mattress. As I gingerly tried to fish it out, it turns out it was still alive, so it took its chance and ran away.
More than once I woke in the night to the "crunch crunch" of a mouse being consumed on my blankets. So I guess it wasn't really a gift for me, the cat just liked bringing them to that spot.
This context will forever inform my reading of the excellent Hypergamouse
Mid-to-low status men tend to have a self-conception that lends to self-deprecation. The solution is to ditch the narcissism; when someone gives you a compliment that doesn't align with your self-assessment, allow for the possibility that you are not seeing yourself accurately.
Astounding how many refuse to take the win.
Remarkable goals by Rice and even better that it was against Los Blancos.
Young people call that, "We take those".
Wouldn’t be surprised if those who reject compliments tend to be the same guys who reject pretty girls who actually flirt with them.
How does a high status male deal with false praise from a gamma male trying to curry favor with him? Would he simply keep it in the back of his head and respond like it’s a genuine compliment or would he put the gamma in his place? I’m asking because I have this gamma kiss-ass in my group that thinks he is going to smooch my but to get promoted by constantly complimenting me in front of the group.
It’s beginning to really piss me off because as a delta I despise ass-kissing, particularly from incompetent gammas. For now I just say thanks and change the subject, but what I really want to do is to put him in his place and explicitly tell him in front of the whole group that his Jedi mind trick bullshit doesn’t work on me. But then again, everyone sees his compliments for what they are so maybe I should just keep saying thanks and ignore it?
"Thank you." And then go about your day. Focus on the good stuff—the relevant people. Which moves matter to you? Which people on your team are the important players? Think more of those.
If he is as worthless and impotent as you say, he is begging you to respect him. If you want to dismiss him and treat him worse, then do that.
Are you afraid his jedi mind tricks may eventually work?
Just use it to get yourself promoted obviously.
Don't acknowledge ass kissing from Gammas.
You get more of what you encourage.
Imo any time the gamma spends trying to grease a wheel that will never turn is time that's not being used destroying the meeting more aggressively. If you can sustainably handle just sitting there and moving on I think that's one of the better outcomes of having a loud gamma in a meeting, especially since everyone knows what he's doing.
Imagine if he wasn't kissing ass what he would be doing instead, the meetings could get very much more annoying.
Maybe it was the affect of the skeptical local culture I was immersed in as a child, but besides trusted family and friends, any compliment I got I expected to be followed by some kind of sales pitch or line of BS.
Wouldn't it be more fun to play along long enough to find out if it is, in fact, going to be followed by a sales pitch or bs? You never know what you might get if you ditch the cynicism.
They do this as bait for an additional compliment.
Indeed. Narcissist intensifies.
This came up randomly on my Substack feed yesterday:
"If you think you’re bad at flirting, last night a gal that was exceedingly out of my league told me that I look like a cool guy, and I said “well, you know what they say, looks can be deceiving” and she just nodded and walked away."
I told him he should have just said "I am. What's your name? Mine's ZZZ".
Amusingly rapid self-destruction.
That's hilarious.
Early on, I did this with the first alpha to adopt me (who did the real heavy lifting of rooting out the bad behavior) and he told me, “learn to take a compliment.” I can still hear him saying it like it was yesterday. The words stuck.
Also, I have learned that if I really, absolutely think the compliment is over the top, I just reply “you are very kind.”