False Modesty is Low Status
Learn how to take a compliment, losers
“He is a modest man, with much to be modest about.”
Winston Churchill is said to have said this about Clement Attlee, his successor as Prime Minister in 1945. It is also what people tend to think about the low-status losers who are so unfamiliar with compliments that they don’t know how to accept them without being rude, ungracious, and even insulting.
Rule #1 of accepting gifts, compliments, flowers, chocolates or even a dead mouse from a cat: If you don’t know what to say, smile and say thank you. THEN SHUT THE FUCK UP! Say thank you and leave it at that.
I’m pointing this out to disabuse all the Deltas, Gammas, Omegas, and women who, for whatever reason, are under the mistaken impression that refusing to accept a compliment gracefully is modest behavior indicative of a good character. Because it doesn’t indicate that at all, to the contrary, it indicates that you’re an obnoxious and self-centered individual who is such a pedantic jackass that you’re willing to actually CORRECT someone who is simply being nice to you.
Vox, may I ask for some advice as a recovering Gamma? I'm currently dating a quirky 6.5 who is 10+ years my junior. Although I am a gamma, I am a tall, in shape, good-looking one. Having gone on a 10+ year evolution of addressing gamma patterns, my interpersonal relations with women are generally quite good and they tend to treat me quite well. This particular girl has remarked about my character and lifestyle "wow, that's so Sigma!" - interesting that women in their 20s are using the terminology.
Often it's just better to let women see what they want to see. Explicitly disabusing her of this perception ("Ackshally, I see myself as more of a gamma male") would seem foolishly self-defeating. But then, how to navigate this as the relationship deepens? My general social awkwardness will become apparent as we integrate our social lives.
First, there are no “recovering Gammas” as this gentleman’s comment clearly indicates. If you’re a Gamma, then you’re a Gamma, the only question is whether you have your socially self-destructive impulses and instincts under control or not. The clue here is the lofty declaration of what it’s often just better to let women see what they want to see while in the middle of asking for advice!
A Gamma instinctively tries to put himself in the superior position in some way, even when he’s both in the position of supplicant and he is trying to behave appropriately. This is what is meant by “instinctive behavior”. You are led to do the wrong thing by your unconscious instincts even when you’re consciously trying to do the right thing. Think about how well you have to know yourself, and admit the truth about yourself, before you can even think about trying to get those instinctive impulses and reactions under control.
What’s actually going on here in this sort of situation has nothing to do with humility or genuine modesty, even if it’s cloaked that way. Genuine modesty is preemptively cloaking what you already have; it is being the intelligent person being willing to listen to the retarded ramblings of their inferiors without correcting them or showing signs of impatience. It is the beautiful woman wearing a tasteful dress that plays down her killer curves rather than showing them off and showing up her inferiors.
It is not that intelligent person, when complimented for his acumen, declaring “no, I’m really quite stupid.” It is not that beautiful woman calling herself ugly or pretending to envy the looks of her obvious inferiors.
And it definitely isn’t correcting or finding fault in someone else’s compliment. Look, I very well understand the situation. A number of people who enjoy my epic fantasy series have declared it to be “better than Tolkien”. This is absolutely, definitely, and 100 percent not true. It’s so obviously false that it is genuinely embarrassing to hear it. This isn’t false modesty, I’m quite willing to state outright, with firm conviction, that my series is better than those much better-selling series written by a) Martin, b) Jordan, c) Erikson, d) Sanderson, and e) Brooks, as well as most other practitioners of epic fantasy.
Though not, of course, Tanith Lee, if one is wrongly tempted to put her books in that category.
When an enthusiastic reader compliments me in an excessive way, I don’t correct him. I don’t tell him he’s wrong. I don’t explain the various misapprehensions I believe he is under. I say “thank you”. At most, I might say “you’re too kind” which may be literally true in the circumstances, but is nevertheless a polite form of acceptance that is not deemed a corrective.
Butterchurn Girl put it well: NOOO! Just smile and say thank you. A compliment is a gift. If your girl gave you a beautifully wrapped present would you dash it to the floor? Denying or rejecting a compliment is exactly the same thing.
If you can’t be charming and delightful when complimented, at the very least, be polite and gracious in accepting the unasked-for gift.
As for any concerns over female misapprehensions, keep in mind that women are hypergamous. Most women tend to overrate their men in some way; some years ago, it was very hard keeping a straight face when one young wife openly worried about women in the congregation going after her husband in response to what she described as his “sexy moves” in the church choir. Let’s just say she had absolutely nothing to worry about, as he wasn’t exactly James Brown or Mick Jagger up there on the stage, and leave it at that. But her unwarranted concerns were cute, and in retrospect, quite informative in this regard.
When we love someone, we not only tend to accept and excuse their quirks, but we often find those things to be part of their attraction, even if they infuriate us. So don’t worry if a woman thinks you’re a little more attractive, or smarter, or taller, or more talented than you know you are. Because you almost certainly think she’s hotter than she is, if the average Delta’s “10” is any guide.
In soccer, one thing we say is that every goal counts the same. Whether it’s a world-class free kick of the sort Declan Rice scored TWICE the other night against Real Madrid or a garbage goal scored after the keeper dropped the ball, it counts the same. So learn to accept the win, whether it is fully merited or not, and accept it graciously.
it was very hard keeping a straight face when one young wife openly worried about women in the congregation going after her husband in response to what she described as his “sexy moves” in the church choir
And they say women aren't funny.
My father used to tell a story about a young violinist who would play concerts. And after every show people would come up and praise him and he would rebuff every compliment. One night an old woman said, you are the most talented young man I have ever seen. I have never heard someone play as well as you. And the young man replied as usual, oh really it's nothing. I'm not even very good. And she said, you're right. I've heard much better but you should receive all things in the spirit in which they are given.
Receiving compliments is a skill that some possess as an instinctive talent but it can be practiced and should. Thank you for calling out women on this. It's one of our most destructive impulses.