Ask the Sigma: Reclaiming the Relationship

A Delta asks how he can reclaim his missing pants

A reader Asks the Sigma about readjusting his relationship status within his marriage:

I'm a delta with some gamma tendencies. I've been married for 15 years. I've more or less developed a pattern of letting my wife make a lot of choices for the direction of the household. This is further complicated by the fact that she makes more money than I do, and the person who earns the money tends to make the decisions.

I understand from SG and other sources this is not a good dynamic for our marriage, and I can see the strain it puts on her sometimes. It's also a well-engrained pattern by this point. How do I change course? How do I learn how to take leadership for her sake, my sake and our children's sake?

First, let me point out that there is absolutely nothing wrong with allowing one’s wife to make decisions if she is willing and able to do so. Women simply care a lot more about a lot of things that men don’t, whether that be the flavor of the wedding cake or the color of the curtains in the nursery. Any man who is dictating to his wife what those things will be is more likely to be a control freak than an Alpha.

So, don’t confuse “making choices for the household” with “being in charge”. The difference is determined by this: who is going to be held responsible for the significant failures?

If you’re doing what you believe you should be doing, when you think you should be doing it, then you’re not in a low-status position no matter how many decisions about what’s for dinner or how late the youngest child is permitted to stay out are made. The CEO of a Fortune 500 company doesn’t make many decisions on a daily basis, but he is responsible for all of the decisions made by his subordinates.

The point is not to be misled by the fact that you’re not making many decisions about the household to conclude that you are not going to be held responsible for their cumulative success or failure. However, this doesn’t mean that you can simply kick back and relax into the Lion of Africa pattern either. The fact that the reader says he can see his wife is feeling the strain of her responsibilities means he is probably leaving too much of the household burden up to her.

If you’re not the breadwinner, it’s important to figure out how to meaningfully contribute to the household in other ways besides “staying informed”.

Now, I’m no expert in this regard, as my wife could certainly tell you. But what I’ve found with people in general is that no offer of help is completely disdained even when it isn’t deemed necessary and accepted. This has to be a genuine offer of help, not a token gesture of theoretical assistance primarily intended to get you off the hook and avoid being criticized.

I’d recommend that when you see an area of her responsibilities proving burdensome, that you first think about how you can relieve her of the burden, either partially or entirely. Then ask her if X is putting a strain on her. If she says yes, then listen to her complain about it for as long as she likes and don’t suggest any solutions. Once she’s more or less talked out on the subject, you can ask her if there is anything you can do that she thinks might make it easier for her.

Remember, women don’t like solutions, they don’t like advice, they don’t like recommendations, and they don’t tend to want help they haven’t requested, however indirectly. But they do love people making things easier for them. So figure out how to do the latter without engaging in any of the former.