An Indication of Visibility
Why women are so stingy with their compliments and why they shouldn't be
It’s not at all a mystery why women are so loath to compliment men. There are two reasons.
More than 80 percent of all men are essentially invisible to them. Every scientific and social media study points to the same conclusion: women simply do not see, recognize, or acknowledge the existence of men they do not find attractive.
Women are terrified by the possibility of accidentally encouraging an undesirable or undesired man to approach them. It’s the same reason that highly attractive women tend to wear an Unapproachable Bitch Mask in public.
At the same time, friendly women who possess both open personalities and a good sense of boundaries are envied by other women due to their positive relationships with a wide circle of male friends and acquaintances. These women somehow manage to successfully navigate between the Scylla of male invisibility and the Charybdis of unwanted male approaches, and they do it without breaking a sweat. How do they manage it?
The first step is to stop ignoring every man who isn’t attractive to you. Just as the high-powered Alpha is charming to all the women, not just the top-tier women who are the only ones with an actual shot at him, it is both polite and self-beneficial for women to stop pretending that four-fifths of the men in their vicinity simply don’t exist.
Now, everyone understands why women don’t wish to offer any encouragement to Gammas and Omegas. Give them an inch and you’ll never be rid of them without tears, histrionics, bad poetry, and possibly a restraining order. But most men, even most invisible men, are neither Gammas nor Omegas. Moreover, there is no better defense against unwanted male attention than a circle of men who consider you to be “one of the good ones” or “one of the guys”.
In fact, there is also no better defense against wanted male attention than that same circle of men, but they tend to be fairly respectful, if perhaps a little snarky and jealous, of those they are informed of being worthy.
The irony is that it is actually women who have constructed their own dilemma here. Think through the logic: if you only acknowledge the existence of men who are attractive to you, then acknowledging the existence of a man is necessarily a public admission of your attraction to him.
Talk about handing the entire world the keys to your psyche…
This is why men always know that a woman is interested in a man, no matter how strongly she disavows her interest in him. The mere fact that she talks about him, the mere fact that she even notices his existence, is a very reliable indicator of her attraction to him. The vast majority of women simply never talk about men to whom they are not attracted. This behavior is so well known by men that they’ve even turned it into a meme: You Versus The Guy She Told You Not To Worry About.
Ergo, the best way for a woman to free herself from this dilemma, avoid constantly betraying herself to the world, and to enhance her social standing, is to develop the ability to offer friendly compliments to men in whom she is not interested. Of course, this requires exactly the sort of enlightened self-interest that is beyond most women, so I think it is highly unlikely that it is an approach that will be widely adopted.
But for the woman of a more philosophical approach than the norm, it would be a virtual social superpower, and will tend to enhance her social standing with men and women alike.
Nota Bene: this behavior also explains why women are so inclined to freak out and get jealous whenever a man mentions another woman to whom he is not related. Female solipsism and the feminine inclination toward emotional projection inform her that his mere mention of this other woman is necessarily indicative of his interest in her, because she would never notice nor bring up in conversation a man to whom she is not attracted herself.
I have had a few women express wonder at rapport I've had with contractors etc. Even men have asked, how do you know so much about so and so and the answer is I listen. I wouldn't say it's instinctive but at some point in college I decided I wanted to be able to hold a conversation with anyone in any social setting. Mostly I express curiosity and interest and say a few vague affirmations to show I understand without launching into a story about myself (Im not always successful). I have learned about cigars, knitting, sailing and much more in this manner. Its also how I learned most of my current work without going to school for it. Everyone teaches.
If someone completes a task, no matter the result, I always thank them and express gratitude for their work. Tradesmen appreciate this, perhaps because they are Delta heavy. If I have a meeting, I thank people for their time. This has been especially surprising when the meeting has been to upbraid or punish me but it's a politeness I refuse to forego.
The worst thing that has happened is sometimes a date will think it went better than it did. Occasionally, a gamma will call me a name but it's harmless.
Of course, one can always improve so I will have to consider what people are potentially invisible to me. Good call to action.
I've noticed this to a with old men (and women, but mostly men). As soon as you give one the time of day, pretty soon you're their favorite person. Just make eye contact and listen to their stories and wham - they're calling your name whenever they enter the business. I was always the favorite with old people in every job I've had.