I have a friend who is a brilliant storyteller. He can tell you a long and detailed story that holds everyone’s interest throughout and ends with a short punchline that leaves the entire audience screaming with laughter. He’s literally better at storytelling than any professional comedian I’ve ever heard.
My favorite story of his involves a) comprehensive personal failure, b) a self-help seminar, c) an isolation tank, d) taxi drivers, and e) three Japanese tourist buses, and culminates in an act of revenge so savage, cold, and sadistic that you can’t believe anyone could have not only conceived it in the first place, but executed it to perfection.
Sadly, he is very rare in his ability to tell a story. Most people are a nightmare to listen to given their feeble and meandering attempts to relate a past event they wrongly imagine others will find hilarious. So, here are a few pointers from a professional writer who can successfully tell stories, both in public and in private, that may be of some utility to the Sigma Game reader.
Each part of the story has to build to the next. Every time you break the linear flow, you lose the audience’s interest, whether it is because you forgot something important or you are simply an incoherent thinker. Twists and turns are fine, so long as they progress naturally from the previous point. Tangentials and retrogressions are not.
No one cares about the historical accuracy of the story. The point of a story is to entertain, not educate. Nothing kills the audience’s interest in a story faster than the storyteller debating with himself, or with someone else, if the events related happened in 2012 or 2013. Remember, no one actually cares about the story qua the historical events.
If you happened to omit some detail, just forget it and move on, unless the omission renders the whole story incomprehensible. In most cases, you’re much better off maintaining the linear flow than going back and correcting yourself.
On a related note, if the storyteller is getting something wrong, keep your mouth shut. Maybe it’s intentional. Maybe it’s not. They are telling the story, not you, and even if it’s a story that you could have told, it’s not your story. Don’t interject, don’t correct, and don’t leap in to try to take over the storytelling. The wiser thing to do is listen to the story, see what works and what doesn’t, and apply the lessons learned to when you tell the story in a different setting.
The end of the story is not bait to be repeatedly dangled before a breathless audience then abruptly withdrawn in favor of a series of tangents until it is finally revealed in all of its shining glory. This technique, which is often favored by women, does not build the audience’s interest, but instead, exhausts it. Remember, linear flow is what builds interest, not incoherent chaos.
If the point of the story is to a) make yourself look good or b) inform the audience that you didn’t care about something, DO NOT TELL THE FUCKING STORY. If the point of the “story” is “once someone told me I was pretty/cool” or “I didn’t care”, then you don’t even have a story to tell. Just come right out and assert whatever it is about yourself that you want to assert, doing so takes less time and is actually less annoying than something that promises entertainment and offers only self-aggrandizement.
Pay attention to your audience. Don’t just happily listen to yourself blather as you float on the sea of endorphins provided by receiving the attention that you crave. If they are showing signs of impatience, distraction, frustration, or contemplating a feigned suicide, wrap it up fast and direct the conversation toward someone else.
If you happen to have a good story that tends to make you look good, substitute someone else as the protagonist. This has several benefits, not least of which is avoiding any present consequences of your past actions. Most importantly, it allows the audience to focus on the story rather than the storyteller.
Don’t think you’re fooling anyone with false modesty, false embarrassment, or any other falsity with which you try to disguise something that you know makes you look good. “And then they gave me the homecoming crown in front of EVERYONE. I was so embarrassed.” Literally no one is buying that, so don’t irritate everyone by insulting their intelligence.
High-status men can tell stories about their own retardery that ended badly for themselves. Mid- and low-status men should not do so. This would be a good time to manufacture an imaginary protagonist; even if the audience suspects the idiot was really you, at least you’ve got plausible deniability.
Never tell a story at the expense of someone who is in the audience. To the contrary, exaggerate and accentuate the positives in any story that involves someone in the audience. Always make your boys look good!
If someone tells a story about you that is intended to make you look bad, don’t be defensive or try to get them back. Instead, tell a funny story that is even worse. “You think that’s bad, well…” Nothing demonstrates high-status and self-confidence more reliably than a lack of concern for the negativity of others, and it also tends to make the attack-storyteller look small and nasty.
You can’t convince the audience that they should be entertained. Telling people how hard you laughed or how funny it was at the time does not make the story any more amusing to the audience.
In general, keep it short and don’t add any codas if the response is underwhelming. And do NOT laugh at your own jokes.
I like the bowl of whiskey in the first picture.
So a moth walks into a podiatrist's office…