The Transactional Mindset

A woman explains the female perspective

As part of our discussion on why many women find it difficult to ask for assistance or express appreciation for help that is given, a female reader explained what I have described as the fundamentally transactional perspective of the average woman.

When you think the world revolves around you, as a lot of women do, then you tend to think of offering help as a loan of sorts. That is, if I do A for you then you should totally do B for me, so we’re even. Otherwise you’ll be seen as “better” than me since you did A and I didn’t reciprocate. It affects the status of the woman in her circle. Or worse, you’ll have it hanging over your head that the other woman can call on you at any time for help, because women never forget when they’re owed something. And if she calls on you, and you can’t help at that time, then you’re usually thought even less of byher and everyone else. Because you “owed” her and didn’t pay up.

This surprised a number of male readers here, including this one.

Wow. That thought process sounds exhausting and dark. With men, it’s not an absolute chit. It’s looked at as a favor. If the favor balance gets too lopsided, a man usually stops doing favors, or at least anything that requires much, for that person. This is why Vox said it takes a lot before a man is cast out of the group. Favors don’t even have to be equal with us, just the sentiment. We won’t fight over it, make a scene, or often even stop associating. You just go on the “No More Favors” mental list.

To which the female reader responded:

Honestly, I don’t think most women consciously know they’re doing it. I think we’re just wired to make sure that we hold onto what’s ours and not deplete our resources, or open ourselves up to being taken advantage of, by being overly giving. Women are more vulnerable than men when it comes to that sort of thing, so it would make sense we wouldn’t be as willing to just do stuff for others with no recognizable or immediate benefit to us.

This sounds counterintuitive at first glance, given that women are observably far more given to welcoming refugees, crying over the fate of starving children in the third world, and generally appearing to genuinely concern themselves with the well-being of others at the drop of a hat or an Instagram story.

But there really isn’t any contradiction when one looks a little more closely at the distinction between the two phenomena. In the former case, the woman knows that she is personally accountable for the obligation she is creating in her mind. In the latter, she is accountable for nothing, and furthermore, is obtaining a social benefit for her cost-free performative efforts. To the transactional female mind, accountability and obligations are to be avoided, whereas social benefits that cost her nothing are, quite naturally, going to be pursued.