The Empathy Challenge

In which empathy is discussed and demonstrated

A few weeks ago, a woman - it might have even been Fencing Bear - mentioned that despite all of the discussion of empathy on this site, she had never observed me to demonstrate any empathy for women. Now, this mildly amused me, because of course the statement tended to prove my point about the fact that a) women don’t possess empathy or understand what it is, and, b) they reliably confuse sympathy with empathy.

And, by the way, I plead entirely guilty to the revised charge of lacking sympathy for women. I simply don’t feel sorry for anyone, of either sex, who repeatedly makes obviously stupid, self-destructive choices despite being sufficiently well-informed about the situation. Three generations of women have been given a fundamental choice between traditional society and the rejection of it, and have consciously, proudly, and even vehemently chosen the latter. The fact that more and more of the inevitable chickens have come home to roost, and more are landing all the time, is to be lamented, to be sure, but never pitied.

In any event, challenge accepted. But first, a few noteworthy comments on the subject, beginning with a female commenter who belatedly realizes that she has never had any empathy for her husband’s perspective on food.

• This has made me pause and mentally comb through my behaviour over the weekend and more generally. Yikes. My husband is a saint. Thanks for this, the examples are helpful as well - I sometimes get frustrated that my husband could eat McDonalds or my very elaborate meals and enjoy them the same. I never equated that as me actually cooking etc for my pleasure when he’s told me millions of times over 17 years he doesn’t really care what he eats. That really clicked for me as an example of where I have lacked empathy. Honestly I was like oh shit!

This sort of honest self-reflection may be emotionally difficult at first, but is actually the groundwork for a more healthy chrysopathic perspective on the other individual. Next, a male commenter - and remember, more than 80 percent of men lack empathy too - demonstrates exactly what I’m talking about with regards to the need for the neologism “chrysopathy”.

• I’m not sure where I land on the empathy scale. I tend to put myself in others shoes before making decisions, big or small, and try to consider their perspective. Problem is I’ve had more than a few experiences where, even after doing that, the other person still reacted in a way I wouldn’t have expected. Maybe empathy doesn’t always guarantee understanding.

What he’s describing is emotional projection, not empathy. Which, of course, is why “the other person still reacted in a way I wouldn’t have expected.” Empathy is understanding. It is chrysopathy, or emotional projection, that doesn’t guarantee understanding.

Another commenter pointed out that this self-centric summary was most useful to him in understanding the concept of empathy and how it can be distinguished from other ways of thinking about others. It also helpfully points to the way in which that indifference can be more empathetic than sympathy, as counterintuitive as that might sound.

• Level One: What do others think about me?

• Level Two: I don’t care what others think about me.

• Level Three: What do others think about themselves?

And finally, my response to the challenge concerning my ability to empathize, specifically, to empathize with women. I was experimenting with the latest release of Suno to see what it could do, and so I thought I’d kill two birds with one stone and see if I could put together a musical track that is not only well outside my usual preferences, but featured lyrics that accurately expressed a female perspective completely foreign to my own.

Please note that this is not the most effectively empathetic mix; the original is more like a Taylor Swift song, but I simply couldn’t stomach the idea of putting it out, so I revised it into more of a K-pop club dance mix that should still harbor considerable female appeal. As an exercise, try counting the number of metaphors and references, both lyrical and musical, that you know are so totally outside my frame of preference and perspective to render both chrysopathy and sympathy impossible.

Now, try to imagine a woman writing and recording a song that is similarly accurate in presenting a typical male perspective lyrically, musically, and emotionally. Can you think of even one?

There is nothing genuinely female about the song. But empathy allows one to understand and effectively express other perspectives with accuracy.

If, for the purposes of comparison, and just to get a grasp on the distance that separates the real and imagined perspectives, you’d like to know which of the various songs I’ve released is the most purely reflective of both my own personal perspective and musical preferences, I think Neptune Grieves is probably the one. Ride and Die is even more philosophically personal, but the music is a bit too dreamy and contemplative and the lyrics lack the dark and alienating imagery of the former.