Reprogramming Yourself

Even without empathy it is possible to avoid annoying others

A commenter here yesterday shared an experience that most of us have probably been through ourselves in some way.

I have this problem every time I start a new project with a new team, which is frequent in my industry, and has become the bane of my career.

You're thrown in on the bottom level with a new crew like everyone and you just get mobbed by Gammas and Deltas explaining how everything works as if you are a Day 1 apprentice. It is infuriating. Aside from the fact it's an obvious attempt at asserting their expertise in an attempt to climb the hierarchy; I've been in my industry for 17 years and if I haven't asked I really don't want a 15 minute explanation!

I used to try to be polite and smile, nod and interject at an appropriate time with a comment that would indicate I know what they are talking about in the hopes they would shut the f#ck up. That doesn't even work... It's like an algorithm: if<run program explain to new guy how to suck eggs>then<do not stop until every detail explained and there are tears of frustration in his eyes>

Now, if you’re a Delta or a Gamma, then you should probably be able to admit to yourself that this is the sort of thing you do. Ask yourself how you usually respond when there is a new man, or worse, an attractive new woman, at the office. Is it your natural response to be “friendly” or “helpful”? Do you like to “show them the ropes”?

If so, then it absolutely behooves you to be aware that your friendly and helpful introductions to things may not necessarily be welcomed or desired. How do you tell the difference between someone who welcomes your infodump and someone who does not? It’s really not that difficult:

• They avoid your eyes

• They interrupt you and try to cut off your explanations

• They inform you about their past experience

• Their body language indicates discomfort

• They mention how busy they are

• They tell you that they prefer to learn things for themselves

In every case, what they are telling you is “shut up and go away please”. They are not introducing a new line of argument for you to attempt to shoot down; I have dealt many times with Deltas or Gammas who meet my telling them directly that I neither need nor want the information they are attempting to share with a handwave and a further explanation of why I can’t possibly go without the Very Important Information they are hellbent on explaining to me.

This is why people don’t like you. This is why people avoid you.

Imagine how much people want to be around you, or listen to you, at any point in the future if their introduction to you primarily consists of an unwanted soliloquy performed by you.

No matter how much you enjoy a captured audience, instead of letting your eyes glaze over as you blather on, pay close attention to how people are responding to your lecture. In fact, the same is true when you’re called upon to give a speech; probably the main reason I am considered to be a good public speaker is because I always wrap things up quickly the moment people in the audience start showing any signs of disengagement.

It’s fine to be friendly and helpful, but learn to leave them wanting more.