Marriage is Not a Suicide Pact

A woman wrestles with the question of wifely disobedience

In the comments, a female reader shared how she refused to follow her husband’s wishes that she and her daughter get vaxxed:

WOMAN 1: During COVID my husband tried to make me and my young daughter mask up and social distance and get the vaxx. His mother and sister pressured me and the school system tried pressuring me over my daughter. My older daughter even tried to pressure us. We never wore masks and continued shopping and living as normal. Not only did I not get the vaxx, I made sure my husband didn't get it and I fought with his mom for him.

WOMAN 2: Wondering if you still respect your husband.

WOMAN 1: I wrestle with this, to be honest. I want to be a good wife and I know feeling respected is important to him. I separate deeds and words from identity. He is a good man who is trying to do good for the ones he loves. That's his identity. But some of his deeds and words are not worthy of respect and I won't show them respect. It would be a disservice to him and my kids had I let him vaccinate the whole family. I'm curious if the men can give me any advice here. How should a wife handle refusing to do what she knows is wrong without making her husband feel disrespected?

First, the woman absolutely did the right thing by refusing to get vaxxed or let her daughter get vaxxed. Second, what she describes was clearly more a disagreement than outright disobedience; her husband didn’t even end up getting the vaxx himself. Third, even if he had given her a direct order to get vaxxed, or to vaxx their daughter, she would have done well to refuse him.

Even the military, which has the literal right to shoot dead soldiers who refuse their superior’s direct orders, defines insubordination as “when a service member wilfully disobeys the lawful orders of a superior officer.” And, in fact, “a servicemember is duty bound to disobey an illegal order.”

Now, I think the wife probably should have gone alone with the masking and the social distancing, since both are generally harmless actions. However, the vaxx clearly crosses the line that distinguishes a legitimate order from an illegitimate one since it involves the very real possibility of direct personal harm. A wife is no more bound to get her child vaccinated at the husband’s demand than she is to cut off the child’s nose, sexually abuse the child, or otherwise harm the child.

“Okay, now I’m pretty sure THIS was not covered by my vows!”

As to the question of respect, I think the wife’s struggle, while understandable in an emotional context, is totally missing the point from a rational perspective. No man is perfect, no man doesn’t make mistakes, and no man has flawless judgment. As disappointing as it might be for a woman to discover that she is married to a man whose place in the SSH permits him to bow to a level of social pressure that she is capable of withstanding, it is neither right nor fair to withdraw respect from a man for being normal and submitting, however unwisely, to the recommendations and demands of the authorities.

Respect should not be granted solely on the basis of approval, agreement, or perfection.

I was disappointed by the decisions of many of my friends and family members to get vaxxed. In a few cases, I was even surprised by them. But in no way did it lessen in any way my respect for them as individuals, or my regard for them as human beings. Despite her disappointment, the wife should be able to at least respect the husband for ultimately being willing to listen to her and even to accept her advice in regards to his own actions.

I find that it is easier to develop respect for people who listen to me and then change their minds than for those who simply continue stubbornly on a path leading to a bad outcome. And the wife who requires perfection in her husband is eventually going to discover that she is the rebellious wife warned against in Scripture.

Speaking of Scripture, the following admonition is directly applicable here.

Give to everyone what you owe them: If you owe taxes, pay taxes; if revenue, then revenue; if respect, then respect; if honor, then honor.

–Romans 13:7

UPDATE: For the purposes of discussion, it should be noted that according to a study published in 2023, the breakdown of Covid-19 vaccinations in the USA was 63 percent female and 37 percent male.