How to Talk to an Alpha
A one-act play in mutual male respect
This brief exchange caught on film during a game between the Baltimore Ravens and Cleveland Browns is a model of mutual male respect. Miles Garrett is one of the most elite veterans in the National Football League. Collegiate All-American, first overall pick in the NFL draft, Defensive Player of the Year in 2023, all-time sack leader for the Cleveland Browns, and four-time All-Pro selection, including this year.
Roger Rosengarten is a rookie offensive tackle for the Baltimore Ravens. He was drafted in the second round, the 62nd pick in the draft. He is, in NFL terms, a complete nobody, albeit one with promise since he won the starting position in the fourth game of the season and started the rest of the season. His season grade was 48th out of 141 players at his position.
In other words, what we have here is an Alpha-Delta interaction. Now, notice how the Delta initiates the conversation, and how his respectful and modest approach inspires the Alpha to reward that respect by returning it.
DELTA: I know I’m a nobody, but if I could get that jersey after?
ALPHA: Hey, you’re in the league. Y’all winning games. Y’all looking great. You ain’t never a nobody! I got you.
DELTA: You got me?
ALPHA: Yeah.
DELTA: I appreciate you.
It’s a little reminiscent of the old Mean Joe Green commercial.
Now, Rosengarten knows that Garrett couldn’t care less about his jersey and probably didn’t even know who he was until the defensive game-planning started that week. But his request to trade jerseys after the game is accepted due to the respectful humility of his approach to the All-Pro star. Think about how different that behavior is than the way in which many men and women approach Alphas. They try to impress them, they try to tear them down, they try to flatter them, they try to undermine them, they try to challenge them, and in doing these things, they inspire little more than contempt from the Alpha.
In contrast, perhaps because he is steeped in at least a decade of the most aggressively hierarchal environment on the planet, American football, at an elite level, Rosengarten instinctively understands that metaphorically rolling over and respectfully showing his throat to the Big Dog is the correct way to approach him and ask him for a favor. And not only does he achieve his objective and receive the favor, but the Big Dog recognizes his quality, metaphorically extends a hand, lifts him up, and offers him encouragement.
That’s the sort of respect that men crave, but it is never, ever, given freely, it can only be earned. If you want respect from those you regard highly, you will not get it through buttering them up, by comparing yourself to them, by informing them how similar you are, or by belittling them, you can only earn it by a) your actions and b) showing them the respect that is their rightful due.
You will never successfully elevate yourself in the eyes of others at the expense of another unless you are challenging the higher-status man openly and directly, unless you are permitting yourself to be measured directly against him. But higher-status men may choose to elevate you if a) they think you are worthy and b) if you are appropriately humble, respectful, and mindful of your position in the hierarchy in your approach to them.
Trying to get recognition or a favor from an Alpha, or attempting to challenge him through passive aggressiveness is dishonest and counterproductive. The very fact that you are craving something from him already demonstrates that he is someone who can make or break you, i.e. he is high status. And if that is so, then trying to get what you want by pretending that it is NOT so is of course unlikely to go anywhere.
I remember working for an Alpha retired Army colonel, and I was genuinely and obviously intimidated by him. But when I applied for USMC officer candidate school, I asked him for a letter of recommendation, and he wrote me the most glowing one I have ever seen.