How to Enjoy the Holidays

A Seven-Point Guide to surviving Christmas with the extended family

1. It’s not about you. Whether you received a thoughtless gift, or one that wasn’t as expensive as the one you gave the giver, or something that is of zero interest to you, it’s really not about you. Smile and be grateful that someone happened to think of you at all. Say “thank you” and avoid saying anything about your feelings about the gift; people tend to get weird when they’re attempting to express appreciation while also explaining why they don’t like, didn’t need, or don’t understand the gift. No one cares. Smile and express gratitude. That’s all that is required.

2. Ignore the political bait. Liberal women in particular love to throw out ideological chum to see if they can get you to bite. Just ignore it. Family gatherings and holiday dinners are not forums for public debate. No matter how silly or stupid the take, just smile enigmatically and say something inconsequential like “how interesting” and then change the subject.

3. Establish and maintain equanimity. Even if the ham is burned to a crisp and the trash is on fire, keep your voice well-modulated. If you need to pass on urgent news to someone, whisper it in their ear, don’t announce it in a loud, panic-stricken fashion to everyone in the room.

4. If you need a break from the socializing, excuse yourself, find the kitchen, and start doing dishes. No one will disturb you or find fault with you, even if you put the football game on while you’re cleaning up. This was my grandfather’s patent move; while everyone else was forcibly occupied with party games or listening to one of the family extroverts perform a soliloquy on the evils of the current political class, he was cheerfully loading the dishwasher, watching the Redskins, and drinking a Dos Equis. The man was a social genius and the master of every social situation.

   

5. Never endorse a sequel. For some reason, whenever an activity goes over well, there is always a member of the family who wants to continue it until everyone is bored to tears. Less is more. The point of having a good time is not to continue it until it stops being a good time, it is to enjoy it and then move on.

6. Listen more than you talk. Let everyone have their little stage and engage in their public performances.

7. Be helpful. At least twice a day, once in the morning and once in the afternoon or evening, ask the hostess if there is anything you can do to help her. Don’t insist, just ask. She’ll appreciate the offer and if she needs anything, she’ll let you know.

Have a Merry Christmas, everyone! And please enjoy the new Midnight Call mix of This Very Night from Vibe Patrol.