Ask the Sigma: Developing Empathy
A Delta asks if empathy can be developed
How can low status men such as myself, a Delta, be more empathetic? It is possible to build or train empathy just like going to the gym to train the body?
From my perspective, which is both high-status, and perhaps surprisingly, high-empathy, I think there are two aspects to empathy, one that is unconscious and one that is conscious. It’s rather akin to intelligence in this regard; even the most intelligent individual usually has to be paying some degree of attention to the situation in order to bring his intellectual acumen to bear on it. If he doesn’t, his intelligence doesn’t apply and might as well not exist.
The unconscious element of empathy is a natural talent and I don’t think it can be built or trained. There’s a scene in Friends where Joey notices that Rachel is sad, and when she expresses surprise that he noticed, he points out that picking up on when women are sad and vulnerable is his particular gift. Or something to that effect, anyhow.
While that’s the predatory aspect of empathy, it’s not hard to see how the ability to correctly read the emotions of others even without any direct communication with them gives empathetic men a significant advantage with men and women alike. Whether you want to seduce, cheer up, build up, or hurt another person, being able to accurately ascertain their emotional state even when they are seeking to hide it increases the chances that you will be able to succeed in whatever reaction you are hoping to inspire in the other person.
This natural talent cannot be learned, in my opinion. And, in fact, it may not even be seen as empathy by others, because the ability to perceive the emotions of other does not necessarily signify acting upon the knowledge gained from those perceptions, let alone acting in a manner that is recognized as being to the benefit of those others.
For example, it took three decades, and reading my second novel, before my mother even realized that I was paying attention to the people around me. As people often do, she confused my lack of interest in their opinions and approval with an inability to perceive their thoughts and feelings. But ability is not interest, and vice-versa.
So this is where perceived applied empathy comes in, and it is a skill rather than a talent, which means that it can be learned and improved even if one lacks the ability to correctly perceive emotions.
